'Once upon a time, there was my cousin Charles', began Grandmother. 'Was he a pig?' asked Peter. 'Why do you ask?' asked Grandmother? 'You children have an unnatural obsession with species'. 'It just helps us to visualise things if we know whether the people you're talking about are people or pigs,' explained Lucy. 'Well, Cousin Charles was neither,' said grandmother. 'He was a bear'. But how began list Peter, Shoot him. If she starts explaining women never hear the storey. Cousin Charles lived with his parents in a very nice, semi detached two bedroom home. Continued Grandmother. His father was a chartered accountant. I didn't know that bears could be chartered. Accountant said Lucy off course they can said Grandmother, How else would bears file their tax returns? All right, time for lights out. But you haven't finished up at times. Storey protested. Look what storeys ask Grandmother, you were telling us a storey about your cousin Charles reminded Lucy. Oh, yes. That's a good one. Said Grandmother, you really shouldn't interrupt me when I'm telling you such a cracker. Now, where was I? His father was an accountant on his mother was the nicest woman in the world. Nice is bear in the world, said Lucy. Yes, yes, said Grandmother, Bear person, whatever. She was very, very nice. In fact, she only had one floor. I don't like to tell you this because I don't want you to have nightmares. But if I am going to continue with the storey, you shall have to know the truth. Brace yourselves, her floor Wass grandmother looked solemnly at the Children. She thought that porridge was a suitable thing to serve a growing bear for breakfast, the Children said. Nothing horrified as grandmother. Well, quite a few mothers think that, said Peter, particularly Scottish ones, Added Luke. Grandmother's shuddered and hugged the Children tighter. The things other Children have to suffer through You Children are so lucky to have me, Ah, grown up who has the sense to protect you from high fibre breakfast cereals? After the Children had hugged their grandmother back and a shorter, they were suitable, grateful grandmother continued with her Storey apart from this one glaring character floor in his mother, Charles had a loving, caring family, said grandmother. Their home was beautifully furnished. There was always plenty to eat, even if it was revolting. On. There was lots of love and hugs until one day when something dreadful happened. There was an earthquake guest, Peter. They were attacked by genetically engineered dinosaurs. Guests look. His mother started at an extra brand to the porridge. Guess Lucy worse than any of that? Exclaimed grandmother. Their home was attacked by a home invader. The Children gasped. Was Charles all right? Worried Lucy. Fortunately, they were out for a walk at the time, said grandmother Charles, his father often found a reason to go for a walk before breakfast, usually in the direction of a fast food restaurant. So while Charles, his mother, wasn't looking, they could sneak a breakfast burger each but how invaded their home last. Peter. Ah, wicked, wicked, devious criminal, said Grandmother. Before I go on, there is one thing I should explain. You know what bears fear most in the world, don't you? No. What is it? Asked Luke. All bears, grizzly bears, black bears, brown bears. Even panda bears are all terrified of the same things. That grandmother, they're frightened off little girls. No way, said Lucy. It's true, said grandmother. Most bears run away screaming if they spot a little girl, particularly blond ones with curls at the absolute worst. But that doesn't make any sense, Argue Peter Bears a huge and strong, and they have enormous sharp teeth. Why would they be afraid of something much smaller and weaker like a little girl? Are you afraid of spiders? Ask grandmother. Peter blushed. He waas, although he tried to be brave about it. You're much bigger and stronger than a spider. But, said grandmother as she reached into her hand back, if I reach into my hand back and pulled out. Ah, great Big Harry Theron, Djula Grandmother whipped her hand out and Peter shrink. But on closer inspection, you could see that her hand was empty. Don't be silly, said Grandmother. I don't keep it to Rachael ER in this handbag. I keep it in my hot pink patent leather purse. Peter clutched his chest as he struggled to breathe normally again, so you can just imagine how horrendously violated the bears would have felt if they know that while they were out there, home was broken into by a little blond girl called Yellow head continued Grandmother taught you mean called the locks? Asked Lucy. Yes, that's her. The violist little urchin ever to curl her hair on, put on a fake list to trick adults, said Grandmother. The despicable thing she would do. I hardly dare describe them to you. She would batter eyelashes and pout a poor, weak willed adults on asking her nauseatingly saccharine voice for whatever she wanted on what is worse, the silly, weak willed adults would give it to her if she wanted chocolate. They gave her chocolate and she wanted toys. They gave her toys, and if she wanted $5000 in Treasury bonds, they gave her $5000 in Treasury bonds. She always got away because no one could bare to say no to such a pretty little girl. But how did you break into the bear's house? Asked Peter. If she was such a little girl, she couldn't have kicked in the door. There was no need, said grandmother. She used her sledge hammer to smash in the lock, Jammeh said. Lucy. Oh, yes, said Grandmother. She always carried one because when she wasn't getting her way, she'd like to squash frogs or people's toes with it, which ever got in the way. She sounds like a horror girl, said Luke. But surely she couldn't get away with being so awful. It's extraordinary what beautiful people can get away with the grandmother shaking her head. Sadly, you've seen the number of times I've persuaded the police sergeant to let me off just by smiling at him. Onda offering him one of your delicious shortbread cookies at it. Peter. Yes, I am lucky enough to have two powerful weapons in my arsenal, agreed grandmother. Which is why it is such a responsibility not to use my charm and dangerously good cooking for evil. So what did Goldilocks I mean, Yellow head do? Once she broke into the best house as Lucy. First of all, she went over to the porridge, began grandmother and ate it. Guess Luke? No, she spat in each ball and stirred it in, Said Grandmother. Oh, Gross, exclaimed The Children. I know agree, Grandmother, I told you she was disgusting. Then she committed the most heinous crime of all. She went to the cupboard, found whether mother they're kept a chocolate supply and ate every last bar. There wasn't a speck of chocolate left in the house. The Children gassed in horror. Their grandmother taught them that this was the most terrible of all crimes. Then she went into the living room and saw the three chairs, said Grandmother, and she sat in them. Guest, Look, Oh, no. There was no time for city when you have a wickedness in your hearts and grandmother, she went out to the garden shed, fetched. A chainsaw came back inside, cut through the chair leg, so there's only a matchstick of thickness holding each of them up. How horrible! Exclaimed Lucy on. That's not all, said Grandmother. She was a spiteful little vandal. Next she went upstairs and jumped on all the beds. No, said the Children, without taking her shoes off, first declared grandmother again. The Children gasp. Just then the bears returned, said Grandmother. First they went over to the dining table. Unfortunately, Charles and his daddy had both feet and four sausage crumpet burgers only 20 minutes earlier, so they were in no hurry to eat their porridge. Only the mother there raised a spoonful to her lips. Oh, I think I'm going to be sick. Well, bluesy. But what yellow had hadn't counted on was that bears have an excellent sense of smell's a grandmother. Their ability to smell is 50 times better than a human's. So just as she was about to put the spoonful of porridge in her mouth, the mother sniffed, then dropped the spoon, exclaiming, Someone spot in my porridge! What happened next as look. Not a lot of first admitted grandmother Charles is father, in fact, delighted for an excuse not to eat the porridge. So they all went into the living room to sit down. But as soon as their buttocks touch the woodwork, you know what happened. The chairs collapsed into a pile of splinters 123 that must have made them cross that look. No one likes to find themselves suddenly unexpectedly on uncomfortably sitting on the coals. Don't flora, great grandmother, the father There may have been an accountant and therefore a bit slow witted, but even he began to piece together. What was going on home has been invaded, cried the father bear. I feel so violated, cried the mother bear. I'll never be able to sleep with the lights off again, cried Charles. Then the mother bear had a horrible thoughts. That grandmother, what of the invader is still in the house now. While all this was going on, nasty old yellow head was upstairs, listening and laughing heartily at all the trouble she had caused, said Grandmother. Let's go upstairs and look, said the father bear. So yellow had heard the bears making away up the stair. Case, continued Grandmother, did she leap out the window as Lucy, Just listening to this storey made her want to leave out the window, just a ground floor window. But a window nonetheless. No yellow head was much more wicked than that's a grandmother. She had such confidence in her charm. She simply climbed into one of the beds, tucked herself in and pretended to be asleep. You see, she was forever receiving compliments on how angelic she looked when she was sleeping. So she felt sure that as soon as they saw her, the Bears hearts would melt and they would give her all the chocolate cake and treasury bonds she asked for. Did it work? As Lucy, sadly for Yellow Head, knows her grandmother, she did not realise that all bears have a terrible fear of little girls, and that as soon as they saw her, the bears would fly into hysterics of fear. Did the heater up? Ask Peter, Do they tear a limb from limb as look? Oh, Nosa grandmother, they did something much worse. Now you have to understand that these three bears felt terribly violated and frightened and angry to see a repellent little girl shamelessly napping in one of their beds. So they punished her with the worst punishment imaginable. What they do as the Children, their father there was a tax accountant, said Grandmother. So he dubbed Yellow Head into the tax office and had her audited Peter, Lucy and Luke gassed. Ah, they knew this was the most severe thing you could do to another person. What happened to her as Lucy? It turned out that she had not properly declared any of her illicit chocolate bars or Treasury bond income, said Grandmother. The tax police charged her with so many crimes that she is still serving a 27 year sentence of hard labour. So let that be a lesson to your Children. If you ever break into a bear's home, ruin their food on break their furniture, whatever you do, don't take a nap run as fast as your legs can carry you the end time for bed.