'Beauty and the Beast' as told by Nanny Piggins

Nanny Piggins tells the true story of 'Beauty and the Beast' as it happened to her cousin Belle Piggins. I don't want to give away any spoilers, but suffice it to say, there's more cake and chocolate involved than they lead you to believe in the movie version.

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Transcript

Hello and welcome to Bedtime Stories with me, R.A. Spratt. Today’s story is…

‘Beauty and the Beast’ as told by Nanny Piggins

Here we go…

‘Have you ever seen the movie of ‘Beauty and the Beast’, Nanny Piggins?’ asked Derrick.

‘Why would I go and see the movie?’ asked Nanny Piggins. ‘It’s based on my cousin Belle Piggins.

‘Really?’ said Samantha.

‘Oh yes,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘She never shuts up about it at family gatherings. She can’t believe she never gets paid any royalties there have been about six film adaptations, several TV series and hundreds of books all about her and not one of them has ever got the story right. But that’s the problem with being incredibly good looking, you always end up inspiring world famous tales. It’s very hard to avoid.’

‘Have there been any world famous tales about you, Nanny Piggins?’ asked Michael.

‘Too many for me to keep track of,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘That is why I always try to avoid writers. Dreadful people, never brush their hair properly.’

‘So what is the real story of Beauty and the Beast?’ asked Samantha.

‘They’ve got the first bit right,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘Cousin Belle did have a very silly father who stumbled across a mysterious mansion one stormy night, where he sought shelter and was taken care of by enchanted home furnishings. As you do. Although I don’t know why he couldn’t just book a nice hotel, or an air bnb. It seems very presumptuous to burst into a stranger’s home and expect the candelabra to serve you dinner. And when it was time to go, he did want to take a present back to Belle.’

‘A rose wasn’t it?’ said Samantha. ‘He picked a rose from the garden.’

‘No, that’s the first mistake,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘Think about it. My cousin Belle and her father were both Piggins’. Flowers are nice enough. But when Belle asked her father to bring back roses, she meant the chocolates. She wanted a box of roses chocolates.’

‘Oh,’ said the children. ‘They knew roses chocolates were one of their nanny’s favourite too. Although to be fair, all chocolates were her favourites. Whatever one she had in her hand at that instant was her favourite favourite.’

‘So the father swiped the roses,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘And the second he did, this horrifying beast leaped out.’

‘Was it terribly big and hairy?’ asked Michael.

‘Hey!’ protested Boris. ‘What’s wrong with being big and hairy?’ Boris was a 700kilogram Kodiak bear, so this was a sensitive subject for him. 

‘Of course not,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘No one could possibly find a bear horrifying. What do all children go to bed with to comfort them? Teddy bears. Everyone knows bears are wonderful loving creatures and the bigger the better because then they can give bigger hugs.’

‘Thank you, Sarah,’ said Boris, feeling better about himself.

The children did not contracdict Nanny Piggins and point out that some bears wer in fact terrifying man eating killers, because they didn’t want to hurt Boris’ feelings.

‘No this beast was far more horrifying than that,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘This beast was a librarian.’

The children gasped.

‘And not the nice kind who helps you find just the book you’re looking for,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘The terrifying kind who sends you fines in the post and tells you off for talking too loudly.’

The beast declared that he was going to imprison the father and because this was a fairy tale and people in fairy tales always seem to negotiate dreadful bargains, the father was allowed to go home but only if he sent back his daughter to be a hostage in his place.

‘Huh?’ said the children.

‘I know it barely makes sense,’ agreed Nanny Piggins. ‘If the characters in fairy tales would only consult a lawyer before they negotiated these contracts, they would save themselves a lot of bother and fairy tale books would be much shorter. They’d be incredibly short. They’d just be books with pictures of happy princesses that nothing bad ever happened to. But I digress. So the father arranged to swap himself for his daughter.’

‘Worse dad ever,’ said Michael.

‘Totally,’ agreed Nanny Piggins. ‘Of course he never intended to go through with it. He was just planning to run off and never come back once the beast let him go. But when he got home and told Belle all about it, she saw it differently. You see unlike any other member of the Piggins family, Belle had a conscience. Not about most things, she lied and cheated about all the regular things. But she was a stickler for chocolate. She loved chocolate so much she couldn’t bear to be a part of a chocolate related crime. When she realised that her father had stolen chocolate from this beast she was honour bound, to fulfil the bargain.

‘That sounds nutty,’ said Derrick.

‘Well she had eaten a particularly delicious block of fruit and nut milk chocolate that afternoon,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘So that could well have made her thinking unusually nutty. But anyway, she went.’

‘The beast was surprised when there was a ring on the doorbell,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘He hadn’t expected the daft old fool to fulfil the bargain either.’

‘So he was doubly stunned to open the front door and discover the most beautiful creature he had ever seen standing on the door step. Her hair was so shiny, her skin was so pink, her snout was so moist.’

‘Hello,’ said Belle. ‘I’m here to be your hostage. Are you going to chain me up in the basement, or lock me in the attic?’

‘I thought you could just live in the house,’ said the beast.

‘Oh,’ said Belle. ‘That’s not very romantic. But if you like.’

‘I’ve got magical furniture that will take care of you,’ said the beast.

‘La-di-dah,’ said Belle.

‘I don’t suppose you would make this all a lot easier,’ said the beast. ‘And skip past all the conversations with the teapot, and the dancing in the ballroom and just fall in love with me now.’

‘Why on earth would I do that?’ asked Belle.

‘I’m not really a beast,’ said the beast. ‘I’m a handsome prince, cursed to look like a librarian as punishment for once being rude to fairy.’

Belle shook her head. ‘Sorry, no can do,’ said Belle. ‘I’m not a monarchist. I think the notion of royalty is just propaganda to justify excessive inherited wealth and undemocratic practises.’

‘Oh,’ said the beast. He was very disappointed.

‘Youv’e only just met me,’ said Belle. ‘I know I’m stunningly good looking. She wasn’t being boastful. She was just stating the truth. ‘But you really shouldn’t make life-long commitments based on physical appearances.’

‘But I’ve got to make someone fall in love with me by Tuesday,’ explained the beast. ‘Or I’ll be stuck like this forever.’

‘Oh dear,’ said Belle. ‘That’s a very time specific curse.’

‘The fairy who cursed me had a new apple watch,’ said the beast. ‘I think she was showing off how accurate it was.’

‘You know,’ said Belle. ‘If you want a girl to fall in love with you, asking her to fall in love with you doesn’t really work.’

‘Why not?’ asked the beast.

‘Women are complicated,’ said Belle. ‘Especially pigs. You have to win a woman over make her fall in love with you by being so wonderful she finds you irresistible.’

‘How do I do that?’ asked the beast.

‘Can you bake?’ asked Belle.

‘No,’ admitted the beast.

‘I suppose not,’ said Belle. ‘That’s the problem with having all this talking flat ware bustling about the house. They’ve made you dependant. You have no skills yourself. They do everything for you.’

‘I’ll tell you what. I will teach you how to make a chocolate cake so good,’ said Belle. ‘Any woman who eats it will fall in love with you instantly.’

‘Because it contains a magic potion?’ asked the beast.

‘Yes, chocolate,’ said Belle. ‘It will be chocolate cake. I said that already do pay attention.’

‘But chocolate isn’t magic,’ said the beast.

‘Hah!’ said Belle. ‘No wonder a fairy got the better of you if you don’t know any better than that. Come on, you’ve got work to do. I’ve got to teach you how to be a virtuoso chocolate cake cook and I’ve only got five days to do it.’

So they set to work. Belle taught the beast all the basic principles of chocolate ckae making. How to beat, how to whisk, how to sift, how to stir. Every detail of the process was gone over again and again until his technique was flawless. She taught him where to get the finest ingredients and how to measure and prepare them perfectly. They worked all day and most of the night. 

On the fifth day she taught him the final element of cake preperaiton, the baking. He learned how to preheat the oven, and stand very still, not even breathing heavily so that the delicious chocolate sponge would raise perfectly. Then when this perfect cake had cooled, she taught him how to ice it. By pouring three litres of molten chocolate over the top.

It was ready just as the clock struck midnight on Monday night.

‘It’s Tuesday,’ said Belle.

‘This is it,’ said the beast. ‘This is the day I must find a woman and convince her to love me.’

‘You’ll do it,’ said Belle. ‘With this cake, you can not fail.’

‘Thank you,’ said the beast. ‘For everything you have taught me.’ And he really meant it. As a royal prince he’d never had to learn anything, everything had always been done for him by his magical pots and pans. This was the first time anyone had shown him the joy of learning. Had shown him how to take control of his own destiny. And he was truly grateful. As a gesture of thanks, he took belle’s trotter and raised it to his lips, and kissed it.

‘Ew, gross,’ said Belle. ‘Let’s have none of that then. If you want to thank me. Let’s just share a bite of this cake. Before you cut it up and take it down into the town to find a girl to woe with it.’

‘I’d like that,’ said the beast. He cut one slice. Handed belle a spoon and picked up a spoon himself. They both scooped up a portion, raised it in a sort of cakey toast and took a bite.’

‘And as soon as that cake touched Belle’s tongue and her saliva caused the enzymes in her spit to start breaking it down so that the taste receptors in her mouth could sense it’s flavour – it happened!

‘She got food poisoning?’ guessed Boris.

He had a dread fear of food poisoning himself. He’d once had a nasty stomach ache after eating a three month old honey sandwich he’d found down the back of the couch.

‘No, she fell in love,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘Both with the cake and the man who had made it. And by man I mean man, because as soon as she fell in love, he transformed back in to a royal prince. By teaching the beast to cook chocolate cake, she had transformed him in to the perfect pig.’

‘I thought you said he was a handsome prince,’ said Samantha.

‘I did,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘He was princely Piggsie of the kingdom Swinealot. Devastatinglly handsome, black and white colouring and really sound hind quarters.’

‘They were married before the end of the day,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘It was a small ceremony. The crockery was the only congregation. But they did have the most spectacularly tasty wedding cake. 

The end. Time for bed.

Thank you for listening. To support this podcast just buy a book by me RA Spratt. There are plenty to choose from, across the Friday Barnes, Nanny Piggins and Peski Kids series. And now there are the audio books of The Adventures of Nanny Piggins and Friday Barnes, Girl Detective as well. You can order any of these things through your local bookstore. Or go to my website raspratt.com and click on the Book Depository banner. They have all my titles and free international shipping. 

That’s it for now, until next time. Goodbye.