Fin is run over by the giant potato.
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Hello and welcome to Bedtime Stories with me, RA Sprt. Well, I hope you're well. I've had a busy week, uh, well last week I was up in Sydney recording the audiobook for my next book. Hamlet is Not Okay. Uh, that was a lot of fun cuz<laugh>, I had to, I had to basically do all the different characters from Hamlet. So that was a bit of a challenge. Luckily, doing this podcast had prepared me well. Uh, so that's coming out, uh, July, July 1st, uh, here in Australia. And it'll be available for all of'em, all those online book sellers. So if you're overseas, you'll still be able to get ahold of it. Uh, what else is going on? Oh, I was just, just this morning looking at the covers for the book based on this podcast, which will be called Bedtime Stories with Ra Sprt. Um, so that's coming out soon and we're just, um, finalizing the cover. Uh, the, the text is all written and ready to go. Um, so that's coming out in September and uh, there's a bunch of live shows if you want to come along to the launch for Hamlet is not Okay. There's still plenty of tickets and they're available from, uh, Eventbrite. So look it up there, or you can, uh, go to my website and look at the live show menu and you'll see that there's tickets there. All right, I think that's covered all the housekeeping. Uh, let's get into it. I'll keep you updated on things that are going on as they come up in the weeks to come. But let's get into this week's story. So we're doing the Pesky Kids five, the final mission, and now we're up to chapter seven. Back at home The following morning, there actually was food in the house. So the pesky kids were sitting around eating breakfast. Normally they would be bickering, but today they were silent except for the sounds of munching and spoons clanging against cereal bowls. The silence was eventually broken when dad entered. He was very agitated. Oh, said Dad. Ah, is there a reason why the giant potato from the outskirts of town is now squashing my daily bed? Dad pulled up the blind on the window over the sink so they could see what he was talking about. The battered giant spud was right there crushing his flowers. Pumpkin barked with delight. He loved it when there were new things in the yard he could pee on. Oh, I promise the C W A I'd fix it for them. Set. Finn, I'm surprised it's come already. I didn't expect a group of old ladies to be able to get something so big moved so quickly. It arrived at 4:00 AM this morning. Said Mom, without looking up from her Mosley, that's very exact, said Loretta. No one enters the perimeter of my home without me knowing everything about who they are and what they want. Said. Mom, you choked them. Didn't you said April, maybe a little said mum with a shrug and you let them dump the potato. Anyway, ask Dad. He was very rarely angry, but the thought that his former wife had knowingly allowed such gross vandalism of his flower beds was making him emotional. Mum shrugged again. It seemed reasonable enough. Finn gave his word, he'd fix it. It's important to be true to your word. You weren't true to your word when you married Dad. April pointed out I was true to some of them. Said Mum giving April a sidelong glare. You started lying from the second word you said, accused. April, I've heard the wedding vows. The bride says, I Bertha Anne Banfield. There you go. You were using a false name. So you started lying at Word two. Bertha is my real name, said mum. What about Anne Banfield asked April Mom did not respond. I stand corrected. Said April. You started lying from Word three. Oh said Dad, to get back to the point when you were discussing with these delivery people whether or not they could leave a giant potato in our yard, it didn't occur to you to suggest that they leave it somewhere other. Then on top of one of my prize flower beds, it was dark and I had a six foot tall, 120 kilogram man in a headlock said, mom, I didn't stop to identify that the species of vegetation underneath the potato. Hmm said dad. This was about as close as he got to being in a towering rage. But the kids knew he was upset because he was quivering like a dog in a thunderstorm who would dearly like to hide under the bed, but can't fit under there. I'll move it. Dad said, Finn getting up from the table. How are you gonna do that? Said, April. It must weigh half a ton. The same way the Egyptians built the pyramid said Finn, I'll roll it. The Egyptians didn't build the pyramid set. April. Oh, what are you gonna tell me? It was aliens. Ask Finn. No, slaves built the pyramid set. April the Egyptians just said, put it over there. Finn Rankled like all people who loved correcting others, he hated being corrected himself, especially when it was his sister and extra, especially when she was right. While the potato is round, I can roll it over to the shed and put it next to dad's homemade helicopter Mudded Finn, as he trumped out the French doors. Should one of us go and help us Loretta, but without making any move to do anything herself? Na said April. That would ruin the fun of watching him do it. Even Joe who normally helped everyone, even he kept on butter in his toast and shoving it in his mouth as he watched out the window. Finn corrected him a lot too. And as ever Joe was really hungry. He was in no rush to get up from the table. They watched. Finn tried to cross the yard as he approached the potato. He appeared to shrink. It was just a trick of perspective the size of the huge potato dwarfed him. Finn paused to take in the situation for a moment, then picked a side, have evidently made some calculation about which way would be easier to move. Dad's garden was relatively flat and the lawn was well maintained once it was down from the flower bed. There would be no obstacles between there and the shed to negotiate the trick was getting it off the flower bed. Dad liked to add a lot of organic matter to the soil and by organic matter, I mean manure. So the bed was a good foot higher than the lawn. Finn just needed to get the giant potato moving an inch or so. Then it would roll down off the bed and he should be able to use the momentum to keep it rolling the 30 meters to the shed. Logically it seemed easy enough, but logic never goes as well in real life as it does in somebody's head. Fin stood on the far side of the potato, placed his hands on the giant sculpture, braced his feet against the grass and pushed as hard as he could. This might have worked if Finn had been wearing golf spikes or some sort of studded footwear, but he was not dad for all his faults as a human being. Cowardice, bad dress sense, constant weeping was really good at looking after his garden. He irrigated it like clockwork. Literally there were timers set to go off at specific times throughout the day and it had been the lawn's turn to get watered just half an hour earlier. So when Finn put his hands against the potato and pushed with all his might his worn out school shoes slipped on the wet grass and he fell face down in the flower bed, which as I've already mentioned, had a very high manure content. Not a pleasant experience. Finn could hear his family's laughter from inside the house. He didn't look across better to pretend he didn't know they were watching. He would move this potato. Joe might have brute strength, but if you had an extensive understanding of physics as Finn did, then you didn't need strength. Admittedly, Finn had initially forgotten to allow for the lack of traction in his shoes. But now that he was aware of this issue, he could overcome it. There had to be a way Finn thought about this for a moment. As he scraped the larger chunks of manure off his face, he stepped up onto the mulch. His feet sank into the organic mixture. This was good. It would give him more traction, a firmer hold to push from. Plus the activity of the microorganisms decomposing the mulch when making his feet feel pleasantly warm. Finn placed both hands against the potato again. He leaned forward and pushed with every muscle fiber in his body and miracle of miracles. He actually felt it started to move just a millimeter at first, but then a little more, a centimeter and a little more speed. Finn pushed harder to increase the momentum. The potato lurched hit an irrigation post on the other side of the flower bed and rocked back. Now all the momentum of the half tongue potato was rolling the other way towards Finn. It took a millisecond for his brain to realize what was going on. Unfortunately, it would take much more than a millisecond to extract his feet. They were now entirely sunken in the bed. The huge potato rolled back, knocked fin flat and rolled right over the top of him. The entire family exploded outta the house. Pumpkin barked. Wildly tears were already streaming down dad's face. April was first to get to the potato, but Joe and mum weren't far behind. They ran up onto the flowerbed and pushed the giant spud. They were all stronger and more athletic than Finn. Once Loretta and dad joined them and added their strength to the effort, they soon had the potato off him. Finn had only been pinned underneath for three seconds, but the pesky were horrified to imagine what state he would be in under the huge half ton fake spud. The answer Finn was fine. Dad's lawn was so lush and thick, the potato had simply pressed him into the turf. The grass had acted like bubble wrap, supporting the weight of the potato and protecting fin beneath. Finn was physically intact. Although from the look of absolute frozen fear on his face, there may have been extensive emotional and mental damage. Are you ok? Chaos. Joe Finn's mouth opened and closed but no sound came out. Of course he's not. Okay, said April. He's Finn. He never has been. Okay. He's always been touched in the head. You should be asking, are you still as annoying and weird as you were five minutes ago before you were run over by a giant potato? Joe looked down at Finn. Are you Finn still could not speak. He was just lying flat on his back trembling. He had an overwhelmed look in his eyes like he couldn't comprehend what had just happened to him. Loretta linked in to get a closer look at his face. Would you like me to kiss you better? If Finn was already in shock? He now went in to double shock. It was a miracle as organs in shut down entirely. He must have been dead. There was no way Loretta would be offering to kiss him in reality. But she did. She bent over and kissed Finn on the forehead. He distinctly felt lips. That was it. Poor Finn couldn't take anymore. He passed out. Okay, that was the end of chapter seven. Let's push on and read chapter eight. Prognosis. Dr. Singh Kang's, incredibly elderly and deeply unimpressive. Doctor was standing over Finn as he lay on a bed in the emergency room. Dad, Joe, April and Loretta were all there too. Mom had stayed at home. She didn't like being in hospitals. There were too many weapons your enemy could use to attack you. And you say he was run over by a truck. Asked Dr. Sin, it's a miracle he's alive. No sad dad. I said he was run over by a potato that was the size of a truck. Doctor Sing, leaned in and watched Dad's mouth carefully as he said this. Apart from showing early signs of dementia. Doctor Sing was also very deaf. A potato the size of a truck repeated. The doctor Dad nodded. Doctor Sing appeared Dad more closely. Would you like to lie down on one of these other beds? He asked kindly. We can have someone from the mental health team come over from Bil Gong to have a chat with you. Oh no. Doctor Singh Seretta taken the elderly doctor by the hand. It is entirely true. Poor dear Fin did have a potato roll over him. We don't want any mental health checks today. We just need you to confirm that fin hasn't broken any bones and that there's no internal bleeding. Oh no said Doctor Singh. Nothing like that. If there was internal bleeding, he would look much sicker and his B bones asked Joe. Well, I couldn't see any sticking through the skin, said Doctor Singh, but if you think I've missed something, you can always bring him back. What about brain damage demanded April? Obviously he's always had extensive brain damage, but is it any worse? Oh, we'd have to get a C A T scan to be sure of that. So Dr. Singh, oh, you'd have to go to the city. Uh, he's got brain damage. It's already done so there's no point fussing about it said April. Does that mean we can take him home? If you want to said Dr. Singh, but it's baked potatoes for lunch today plus a Dixie Cup on the side. We have patients who pretend to be ill on Tuesdays just to get that. No fin, no more potatoes. Take me home. Alright, we will dad assure him. Fin grabbed dad's wrist. Dr. Singh appeared to have overlooked what were clearly the signs of concussion or shock. Most likely both. There has to be a safer way to move a potato safer than rolling it over yourself. Asad, I'm sure there is. I will find a way, said Finn. So no one else ever has to go through this ordeal. I'm pretty sure in the entire 100,000 year history of the evolution of humankind that no one else has ever run themselves over with a giant potato before, said April. It's not a problem that comes up a lot. It will be worth, et cetera. Loretta, you're gonna be a hero for fixing the potato. It's a tribute to Dame Bronwyn. It's got to look good for her visit. Did you say Dame Bronwyn? Ask dad the Dame Bronwyn mother of the Bronwyn Brown. Yes. Settle. Loretta, she's coming here. Ask Dad. Yes. Settle. Loretta. Oh my goodness. Exclaim dad. Come on Finn. No time to lie about. We've gotta get home. Dad rushed out of the ward. What's got into him? Loretta potatoes on the brain said April. And that is the end of the chapter. So we'll leave it there. And until next time, goodbye.