Bedtime Stories with R.A. Spratt

Mr Wolf Pie

February 03, 2020 Season 1 Episode 1
Bedtime Stories with R.A. Spratt
Mr Wolf Pie
Chapters
Bedtime Stories with R.A. Spratt
Mr Wolf Pie
Feb 03, 2020 Season 1 Episode 1
R.A. Spratt

When Luke, Lucy and Peter go to visit their Grandmother she tells them an amazing tale. It is the most unusual version of the Three Little Pigs they have ever heard. Who knew pigs had so much architectural ingenuity?

Show Notes Transcript

When Luke, Lucy and Peter go to visit their Grandmother she tells them an amazing tale. It is the most unusual version of the Three Little Pigs they have ever heard. Who knew pigs had so much architectural ingenuity?

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R.A. Spratt:
00:00
Hello and Welcome to Bedtime Stories with R.A. Spratt. Today's story is, 'Mr Wolf Pie'. 
R.A. Spratt:
00:06
Peter, Luke and Lucy were three lovely children, and their parents were good, hard working people. But there comes a point in every school holidays when even the nicest child will start to drive even the kindest parent mad. No matter how much a parent, loves their child there is a limit to how many snacks they can fix before they want to tear their hair and scream. For goodness sake, can I just have a moment of peace without someone asking me to fetch a SAO cracker? You have probably heard your own parents say something similar. It's at this point that any sensible parent takes action on arranges for this sweet angels to spend a few days with their grandmother, Peter. Lucy and Look did not mind this at all. They loved being sent to Granny's house. Granny had no limits on the consumption of chocolate, no qualms about letting them use her power tools. And she absolutely insisted that they spend hours watching reality TV with her because she thoroughly enjoyed watching regular people humiliate themselves on national television. But the best thing about Granny was her stories. Every night before bed. They would snuggle around her on the sofa and she would tell them a tale I want to tell you. A storey about three very dear friends of mine began Grandmother on the first night of the visit. Nathan, Gerald and Sophie. She dumped it here, away from her. I Why you crying? Grandmother asked Peter. I can't tell you. It would ruin the storey, said Grandmother. Is it a sad storey? As look in parts? Admitted grandmother. When I think of how those poor pig suffered, Grandmother said no more. She just knit the storeys about pigs. Us, Lucy, that's what I said, said grandmother Nathan, Gerald and Sophie. You didn't say they were peak, said Peter. I don't know why you would assume they weren't pigs. Said Grandmother. My storeys, about three young people who just happen to be pigs whose cruel mother forced him to go out and find their own places to live. She made him leave home when they were just Children, asked Lucy. No, they were in their early 30 said grandmother. But it's cruel to force a child to leave home when you're good at cooking. If you could make a caramel basket as delicious as the ones my friend Maj. Wit talk. You can understand why it's cruel to expect the Children to go live anywhere else, But still, you don't get to be that good at Caramelising Sugar without hardened in your heart. So one day after being given two months notice and plenty of money to pay for a rental bond, each Madge forced her Children heartlessly into the street. They had money for a rental bond. What was the problem? Ask Peter. Why didn't they just rent a flat? Because they were, Pig said. Grandmother is there that explained everything. The Children look confused. They took the bond money straight around to the sweet shop, spent it all on lollies and sat on the gutter outside the shop. Eating them all afternoon, explained Grandmother. That's appalling, said Lucy. I know so, grandmother. It's all very well to sit in the gutter if you want to weep in despair or if your shoes are dirty and you need to wash them off in rainwater. But if you can eat lollies, it's much better to sit underneath a bush. Then you're much less likely to be interrupted by someone wanted to share with you? No. I mean, it's appalling for them to spend a ll the rent money on Lally said Lucy. Now grandmother looked confused. But what else could they do? If you're gonna be homeless? It's important to be well fed. Lucy was about to argue further, but Peter touched her hand and shook his head ever so slightly. There was no way grandmother would ever see reason in an argument against eating dangerously huge amounts of sugary foods. So having had a lovely little snack and the three young pigs set off to find somewhere to live, continued grandmother, of course they could not live together. Why not ask Click? Because they were brothers and sister, said Grandmother. So naturally they fought terribly. But we're brothers and sisters that paid, and we don't fight terribly. Yes, but that is because you have my mature, guiding influence, said Grandmother. You get into fights all the time, Look pointed out Exactly. So, grandmother, which saves you having to fight, which is why you can get along so peaceably together. Anyway, Nathan, gentlemen serving were not as lucky as you, they Biggert. So as they set off down the road they were looking for three separate places to live. Let me guess it. Peter Nathan built a house of straw. How did you know? Last grandmother taking the back. I had a similar storey before. Admitted Pita. Well, you haven't got it. Quite right. Said grandmother Hey didn't build his house of draw. He built it off drinking straws. What said Look rudely Because, As you know, you should always say I beg your pardon. But he was so shocked if he got his menace. You see, Nathan could not afford to buy any straw being penniless. But he could afford to go around all the fast food establishments, milk bars and sandwich shops in town. On when nobody was looking, take three or four straws from the dispensers. It took him several months. But eventually he had enough drinking straws to build a two bedroom bungalow with a rumpus room and an entertaining dick. Said grandmother. He built an entire house at a drinking straws. Marble Peter? Yes, it was jolly good fun, actually. Said grandmother. True, they did crackle a bit underfoot as he walked about, but you could run and bounce into the walls like a bouncy castle on the walls were made with bended straws so you could lower the ceiling when he needed to change a light bulb where mother stopped at this point and started eating cake. Are you gonna tell us the rest of the storey as Lucy? What was wrong with that one? Ask Grandmother had a happy ending and taught you an important lesson about recycling and using sustainable materials to build a dwelling. Technically, I don't think it is recycling unless the straws have been used to drinking First said Look. Well, that would have been disgustingly on hygienic, said Grandmother. But what about Children? Sophie asked Lucy. You want to know about them to last grandmother? Yes, said all three Children. This is by far the most intriguing version of the three Little Pigs had ever heard. Gerald was not as good a lateral thinking as his brother or sister, So as he walked along the road, it did not occur to him to use drinking straws, drinking cups or any other disposable beverage Aid to build a house night fell, and he had nowhere to stay, said grandmother. That's terrible, said Lucy, not really disagreed Grandmother, It wass summer and therefore a warm night He just laid down under a tree, took the lolly wrappers out of his pockets and sprinkled them all over himself as a makeshift blanket. I fell asleep quite happily, so he didn't build the house. Us look. Oh, yes, he did say, grandmother, because the next morning Mother Nature had given him a brilliant idea. Mother Nature asked Luke. Yes. When he woke up in the morning, a branch had fallen on him, said Grandmother. He was covered in sticks, and that gave him the idea to make a house out of sticks. Guest Peter knows a grandmother, although now you mentioned that's not a bad idea. No, it gave him the idea to make a house of matchsticks. What said all three Children? But how was Lucy? Totally baffled. He was a natural scavenger like his brother, explained grandmother. So he went around to bars and restaurants anywhere that gave away free matchboxes. It must have taken forever to build a house out of all those teeny tiny sticks. Marbled Peter. Oh, yes, a great grandmother on an absolute ocean of model glue, too. How could he afford to buy the glue asked Lucy, You got lucky there, admitted Grandmother. A glue truck crashed at the end of this street, so I was able to scavenge Fats, and that's full. And that's how he built his house of matchsticks. So how did Sophie build her house as look? Ah ha. So grandmother. She was a far more sensible pig than her brothers, and she had something of a mother's genius for desserts. So she did not build her house of drinking straws or matchsticks. She built her house entirely out of chocolate. Wow said all three Children, but surely would melt, said Peter. You said it was summer. She had huge outdoor air conditioners set up to blast cold air at the house, explained grandmother on a giant parasol overhead to block the sunlight. But where did she get the chocolate from? She didn't have any money, asked Lucy Pillow mints said Grandmother pillow mints that the Children Yes, if you stay in a fancy hotel, they often put a chocolate mint on your pillow when they make your bed. So Grandmother is to encourage tooth decay by lured you into his in chocolate after you brush your teeth. But how did she get enough filaments to build a House House? Luke by going to the trash? Of course. A grandmother. I know it's hard to believe, but some people who stay in fancy hotels, people like dentists, diabetics and dieters. They do not eat their pillow mints. They throw them away. Ask Peter. They do concurred. Grandmother. Shocking, isn't it? So about going around all the hotels in the city and gathering up all the unwanted pillow mints? Sophie was able to get enough chocolate to build her home. And what happened next? Us. Lucy, Isn't that enough? Ask Grandmother, I tell you. Three extraordinary storeys off pigs exhibiting unparalleled resourcefulness. Andi architectural ingenuity. And you want Mohr? But what happened to the house as Peter? Wasn't there a wolf? No, said grandmother. Whatever gave you that idea? So all three houses are still standing us. Look, no one blew them down. Oh, I didn't say that. Said grandmother. There was a wicked butcher called Mr Wolf was Hey, will cross Lucy. No, said grandmother. Whatever would make you think that he was a human called Wolf. So I need to slow down and write out some notes for you because you find it hard to follow? No, Just keep telling. The Storey played it, Peter. Well, this wicked butcher was too cheap. Amane tow actually pay for Mick, said Grandmother. He would never buy beef, lamb or pork or a farmer. He would scavenge for mate. But how do you scavenge for Be fast, Peeta. You don't find cows lying around about the place. Exactly, said Grandmother. He would pick up possums and cats and pigeons that have been hit by cars and were lying dead on the side of the road. Take them back to his shop, cut them up and stick them on a sign sane that they were beef or pork or lamb. That's dreadful, exclaimed Lucy. But how did he get away with that? Ask Peter. Possible Cat wouldn't taste like lamb or beef. It would if you covered it in peanut sauce and called it a Saturday stick, declared grandmother. The Children gassed. That's right, continued Grandmother, you should always be sure of the motives of your butcher before you buy any of his prey for pred ready sauced foods. I think I'm gonna be six at Peter, so you can just imagine what such a wicked man thought when he heard that there were three young pigs living alone in the woods, said Grandmother. He thought he could sell them. Some cat made guest Look no silly, said Peter. He wanted to chop them up. He did. Indeed, declared Grandmother, he picked up his sharpest butcher knife and set off into the woods was not long before he came to the house of straws. Did you knock on the door? Us. Look who did, said Grandmother. But it didn't make much noise when you knock on a door made of straws. So he had to yell, Little, big, little big, open the door, I'll knock it down by force. And Nathan replied, Never I won't let you chop me up and cover me in sweet and sour sauce. As you can imagine, a fully grown butcher with a very sharp knife was never going to be delayed for long by a door made out of drinking straws. The special in his butcher shop that week was porking plum, source said. Grandmother, that's truffle! Exclaimed Lucy. I know a great grandmother, and the customers so enjoy 18 actual pork that he soon sold out so the butcher went back into the woods in search of the second pig. I don't like the way this is going, said Look. He soon came to the house of matchsticks, said Grandmother. But again, the little pig refused to let him in. So did he. Hacked the door down with his meat? Cleaver asked Peter. He tried, said Grandmother. But the second pick was actually quite a gifted model maker. He's used so much glue that when the butcher made his first attack, the knife got stuck in the door and he couldn't pull it out. So the little pig was saved us, Lucy. He would have, Bean said, grandmother. But unfortunately the Bush was so frustrated he stamped and stomped on the ground. Then he kicked at the dirt on, inadvertently kicked a stone at the house. The stone was made of flint on. When it hit the house, it caused a spark. Oh, dear, said Peter Guessing what was coming next. When you make a house of matchsticks and highly flammable hobby glue, you don't want sparks coming anywhere near your home's a grandmother. The butcher had Cajun pork on special that week when all the slightly burnt pork was sold. The butcher's set off in the woods in search of the third peak, and that is when he came to the house of chocolate, said Grandmother. And he couldn't get in because the house was so well made. Gets Luke No, the third little pig invited in him and said, Grandmother, little pig, little pig, Let me come in, cried the butcher. And surprisingly so, if he replied, sure, but I've lost my key to the front door, so you'll have to eat your way in. The butcher enjoyed chuckled as much the next person. So he put down his life and started chop its and grandmother. Little did he know that Sophie was a deeply sensible pig. Her front door was not like common house door, which is only two inches thick. She had made her solid chocolate door two feet thick, so the butcher ate and ate and ate. But he had to eat 50 kilos of chocolate before he broke through and another 90 kilos of chocolate before there was a hole big enough for him to climb through, and by that time he didn 140 kilos a chocolate. He wasn't capable of climbing anyway. He just lay on the ground, moaning. It's at the end of the story as Lucy, pretty much that grandmother. So the butcher learned his lesson guest Peter and never troubled Sophie again, in a way, agreed grandmother. While Sophie had enjoyed a lifetime of bickering and fighting with the brothers, she did still love them, so she was not gonna let the butcher off that easily. So what happened as Luke? So she decided she would run the butcher shop, said Grandmother. And that week special was Mr Worf Pie. All the customers assume that Mr Wolfe had made the pie. Little did they realise that he had been made into the pie. The Children stayed a grandmother in stunned silence. And so Sophie lived happily ever after. And to this day she runs the best vegetarian butcher shop in all the land. The end, said Grandmother. Now time for bed.  
R.A. Spratt:
13:48
Thank you for listening. To support this podcast just go to your local bookstore or favourite online bookseller and buy a book by me, R.A. Spratt. There are plenty to choose from across 'The Nanny Piggins', 'Friday Barnes' and 'Peski Kids' series. Until next time, Goodbye
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