Bedtime Stories with R.A. Spratt

'Rapunzel Bacon Hair' told by Nanny Piggins

April 22, 2020 R.A. Spratt Season 1 Episode 9
Bedtime Stories with R.A. Spratt
'Rapunzel Bacon Hair' told by Nanny Piggins
Chapters
Bedtime Stories with R.A. Spratt
'Rapunzel Bacon Hair' told by Nanny Piggins
Apr 22, 2020 Season 1 Episode 9
R.A. Spratt

After a terrible baking accident Nanny Piggins is unable to read, so she tells the children a bedtime story instead. Luckily she knows a crackingly good tale about a young girl called Rapunzel who had been cursed to have hair made of bacon.

Show Notes Transcript

After a terrible baking accident Nanny Piggins is unable to read, so she tells the children a bedtime story instead. Luckily she knows a crackingly good tale about a young girl called Rapunzel who had been cursed to have hair made of bacon.

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R.A. Spratt:   0:00
Hello and welcome to Bedtime Stories with R.A. Spratt. Today's story is - Rapunzel Bacon Hair.  

R.A. Spratt:   0:15
Nanny Piggins was a great believer in literacy. It was important to be good at reading, so you could be good at reading recipes so you could be good at making cake because there was no more important skill than making cake, except perhaps eating cake. That was quite an art in its own right. Nanny Piggins believes so firmly in these principles she read to the Children every night. Sometimes she read fairy tales, sometimes adventure novels, sometimes recipe books on. Sometimes when they wanted a really shockingly good story, she read to them from her own journal. But on this particular occasion, Nanny Piggins could not read to the Children at all. You see, during the course the day she'd suffered a terrible baking accident, she had made a chocolate cake so good that the second it came out of the oven, she could not resist on lunged face first in it, trying to gobble it up quickly as possible. Unfortunately, the oven had been set to 180 C, which meant that the cake was 180 C, which meant that the cake crumbs she got in her eyes were 180 C, which meant she had to spend the afternoon at the ophthalmic surgeon's, having them cleaned and bandaged. The Children were naturally alarmed to have their beloved nanny blinded by her own cake, but Nanny Pickens was not worried at all. Consuming an entire chocolate cake does give the eaters such a sugar rush that a devil may care attitude is sure to follow. The only problem Wass now she couldn't read the Children a bedtime storey. The doctor had said Nanny Pickens would be all right if she rested her eyes for the night by line down with cucumber slices over eyelids. Nanny Pickens had asked The cucumber slices could be covered in chocolate. The doctor had frowned and said no. That would defeat the purpose at which point Nanny begins, had hit him with her handbag and stormed out. It is not easy to storm anywhere when you're cake blinded. It does tend to ruin the drama of the moment when you walk straight into the wall. But eventually she found her way out. Now 90 Pickens was at home resting her eyes by baiting them in soothing honey, which was actually very pleasant if it weren't for the fact that her brother Boris, the 10 foot tall ballet dancing bear from Russia, couldn't resist licking them periodically. I'm dreadfully sorry Children, said Nanny Pickens. I'm afraid I can't see well enough to read you a bedtime storey. Oh, of course, the Children. I'm sure Boris could really wan, said Nanny Pickens. Couldn't you, Boris? Said Boris, still staring at his sister's honey covered eyes. He loved his sister, but he loved the taste of honey. Even Mohr. I think Boris may be too distracted, said Samantha Boris. His tongue was hanging out and rule was dripping down onto his chest for Why don't you tell us? A storey instead, suggested Derek Nanny Pickens did know an enormous number of shockingly good tales. The Children loved hearing them. The problem was Nanny Pickens lead such an action packed lifestyle. It was rare for her to sit still long enough to tell them. I suppose I could set in any Pickens. You better snuggle round Children. I can't see you if you need a hug, so you'd better work on a self service principle. Now let me see. Where should I begin at the beginning, said Michael. Very well said Nanny begins. Once upon a time, there was a lovely little girl called Rapunzel. Oh, I know this one, said Michael. She had incredibly long blonde hair that was metres and metres long. Well, that's not the storey I intel in, said Nanny Pickens. What would be remarkable about that? A girl with hair. All girls have hair except girls who've been in terrible accidents, perhaps because they were standing too close to a chocolate making machine. Which reminds me of my cousin Goethe. But we mustn't feel sad for her. She's not sad because she did get the chocolate, so she wasn't at all concerned about the baldness. So your storey about Ra puzzle isn't about a blonde girl, prompted Derek trying to get his nanny back on track. No, suddenly begins In real life, blonde girls are perfectly fine and normal, but in fiction that dreadfully overrepresented, as if there's something preferable about having yellow hair. Clearly, it's preferable to how beautiful chocolate coloured hair like your hair, suggested Michael. Why, yes, it Nanny Pickens. I have been blessed with hair the exact shade of a milk chocolate bar. It's one of the many reasons men can't tear their eyes off me that in my world class circus skills, Nanny Pickens yawned right yo, time for bed. But what about our storey? Said Samantha. What Storey set in any Pickens you were telling us about reponsible? Michael reminded her. Oh, yes, said 90. Pickens Reponse was a lovely, sweet natured kind and beautiful child, which is a rare combination, extreme beauty and niceness. But as in all storeys, when things start off well, you know, pretty soon they're going to turn and go very, very badly. Oh, I can't bear to listen, said Boris. He had begun pre crane in anticipation. The problem was the reponse. El's mother was a witch, said Nanny begins. Gosh, set, Samantha. That's rotten luck, said Michael. Oh, no, said Nanny Pickens. I won't have you judging the poor woman too harshly. It's very hard for a single mother to find a job, I'm sure which was not her first choice of employment, but we can't all be open heart surgeons, not as long as hospital is going to be such sticklers for insistent that surgeons have so much training and medical degrees on washed their hands all the time. Another ridiculous What? Not So what's she wicked, which are Samantha from the West? Asked Michael or the East. Ask Derek. I hear the witches from their pretty bad, too. Oh, no, said Nanny Pickens. Rapunzel's mother was just in everyday run of the mill type of which, you know, if your neighbour wouldn't mow their lawn, you could go to her to get a toad that would make warts grow on their face or a potion to make their parsnip crop turnout. All know Billy that kind of thing. The Children nodded as if they understood. Although they didn't, they just wanted their nanny to get on with the storey. So one day continued any begins. Little Rapunzel was sitting on the floor, playing with knives or whatever it is you young human girls do. When her mother tripped over her broomstick while casting a spell on accidentally hit Rapunzel Square in the head with a bolt of magic. Well, Boris Oh, no, agreed 90 Pickens Head injuries are always so tedious. Everyone always fuss, is that you might have a concussion or brain damage or both, and they try to force you to go after hospital. But in their right mind would want to go there in hospital. The desert's always dreadful, really, all you need to do to test if someone has got brain damage is see if they agree to go to hospital. That's a clear sign they have a serious head injury. Anyone in their right mind would have bolted and been halfway to the nearest lolly shop. So did she have a head injury? Ask Derek in a way. Yes, said Nanny begins. You see, Rapunzel's mother had been cooking breakfast, so as a breakfast food recipe she'd been hit with as soon as the Magic hit her, her hair was transformed into a long flowing locks off bacon. Whoa, said Michael. I did not see that coming, said Derek Bacon is delicious, said Boris Boris Nap Nanny Pickens. How dare you. As a peak, Nanny Pickens took the subject of eating bacon very seriously. Very personally. She did not approve. I'm sorry, Sarah, said Boris. I don't know what came over me. I think it's the honey. It's addled my brain. It was dreadful for the poor girl's had Nanny Pickens, she'd been cursed forever to have long, succulent rushes of bacon for hair. Wow, said Michael. So was it cooked or raw bacon are Samantha? She was trying hard to visualise how bacon hair would work, Cook said. Nanny begins. Her hair was 100% hot cooked bacon a cz, though, to come fresh out of the pan that instant after having been prepared by the finest Michelin star bacon cook in the entire world. Are there Michelin star Bacon cooks? Ask Derek. Probably, said Danny Pickens. There are some very despicable humans wondering about now. You might think his curses go. Having bacon for her was not too bad. But let me assure you it wass miserable. Why? Asked Michael, he personally would quite like to have hair made of breakfast food. He always got hungry in the morning, not at the breakfast table, but when he sat down in class at school when he didn't have any food. And there's nothing you could do about it because of the smell, said Nanny begins to so many humans, A smell of freshly cooked bacon is irresistible. It makes their mouths water, their spirits soar on their brains turn to mush. So what happened? Are Samantha everywhere she went? Rapunzel was chased by people wanting to nibble her hair, said Nanny begins at school, at the shops at the bus stop. Every time she turned around, it was to discover someone with a tuft or a lock or an entire pigtail stuffed in their mouth. I could see how that would be unpleasant, said Derek. As you can imagine, said Nanny Pickens, reponse, El's mother felt red for the whole thing. Was her fault. If she'd been performing a chocolate cake spill that it hit her daughter in the head, that would be one thing. The cursing her poor sweet girl to a life of being chased about by greedy bacon lovers was terrible. Paul warmer inside Boris tears were starting to well in his eyes. They were mainly tears for the honey. He wanted to lick off his sister's face, but he was partly listening to the storey as well. But witches have a lot of ingenuity, said Nanny begins. She wasn't going to sit around feeling sorry for herself. She decided to do something nice for her daughter, she Magic Tup. Ah, great big tall tower in the middle of the deepest part of the forest, surrounded by the thickest bushes and trees. Then Rapunzel shut herself away to live her life in solitude, when no one could find her and she could live in peace, away from the hordes of greedy bacon gobble ISS. And so the years went by. She must have been terribly bored, said Michael. Not at first, said Nanny begins the first year she taught herself how to speak Latin. The second year she experimented with hydro electric power systems. The third year she focused on the art of fire breathing. The fourth year she perfected the tango on the fifth year she devoted to trying to make the perfect jar of raspberry jam. But after about 10 years of personal betterment, she wass finding things a little bit tedious. How good did you want to get? She must have been so lonely, said Boris. With us up. Yes, indeed, she wasin any pigeons. There's no point being one for everything. If there's no one there to observe it and say, Gosh, that was wonderful. Can I bake you a chocolate cake? So, year by year, she grew ever more lonely, and year by year, her bacon hair grew longer. Well, Boris, this's the saddest storey I have ever heard. I can't bear it anymore, Boris Lichten. Any Pickens face to cheer himself up. Get ahold of yourself, Boris, said Nanny Pickens firmly. I can finish the storey to keep licking, May, said Boris, which is how bears say sorry. When the 18 honey, she was a very sad, lonely on bacon, a girl said in any begins. Until one day when a prince came riding through the forest, said Samantha excitedly, Was he a handsome prince? I don't know, said Nanny begins. This is a storey from the olden days are no photographs. Back then, Ah, said Samantha disappointed, But I assume he was devastatingly handsome, said many. Pickens, right, has never write storeys about ugly princes. They're ugly. Characters always have to live under bridges and jump out to scapegoats and that sort of thing. Writers really are the most incredibly prejudiced people. It's a wonder they are all in gaol for making up such wicked lies all day long. So he found the tower prompted Derek No, certainly Pickens. He smelled Rapunzel's hair. Oh, said Derek you've got to understand certain Any Pickens the prince had been riding for days and there were no fast food restaurants back in the olden days. There was just the lump of mouldy cheese and three day old bread he'd set out with, and he'd finished that that morning. So when he smelled the delicious heavenly scent off freshly cooked bacon, he went temporarily insane. Oh, no, said Boris was rushed to a hospital off course not, said Nanny Pickens. It was in the middle of a deep, dark forest, but he was so deranged with hunger. Then, instead of following the path through to the other side, he followed the smell of bacon deeper in through the bushes and trees. But the smell grew stronger on DH, stronger, and eventually he came to a clearing, and in the middle of the clearing he saw a tower On. From that tower came the smell. He took a deep sniff than a long snort. There was no mistaking the heavenly smell of bacon. The prince suddenly realised how ravenously hungry he waas the bacon smelled so good was all the prince could do not to drool on his royal robes. He was just that Hungary, Hello called the Prince. Is there anybody up there? Rapunzel had not heard a man's voice in many years, so she could not help but be curious. She went to the window and looked out, and as soon as she saw the prince below, she fell in love at first sight because he was very handsome and people always look better from above. It's very slimming. What's your name? Ask the prince, Rapunzel said. Rapunzel. Oh, ra puns or Ra? Puzzles of the prince led down your bacon, please, because I'm really hungry. Reponse all could not refuse him. She took a fried pink traces on DH, tossed them out the window. The bacon cascaded down the tower like a waterfall of meat. The prince was speechless. He had never seen such a wondrous sight. He stepped forward and began to eat. He ate and climbed and climbed and eight until he's eating his way to the tower window. Andhra Puzzle now had the shortest cropped hair imaginable. He felt a little sick from all the bacon is eaten, but in his eyes burned true love. He leaned forward to give her a puzzle. A bake any kiss, then felt kind of villain, had to lie down for a couple of hours, said any begins. But when he got up and had a nice cup of tea and a slice of lemon cake to calm his stomach, the prince was able to get down on his knees and begged Rapunzel to marry him. Boris broke down in racking sobs. Oh, this is the most wonderful storey I have ever heard. But Sydney begins. Rapunzel said. No. What? Exclaimed the Children. Boris just sobbed louder. I don't want to be married just for my bacon's crowd. Rapunzel, I want to be married by a man who loves me for my personality and good looks. But, said the prince, You don't have any bacon hair. I ate it. Rapunzel ran her hand over her head and he was right. She was entirely bald. And you want to marry me anyway after pencil? Yes, said the prince. I have always loved the taste of bacon. On the look of a bald lady, Rapunzel's heart swelled with love. The prince kissed her on. They were married before sunset that day, and they lived happily ever after because every night Rapunzel's hair grew back, and every morning the prince enjoyed the most delicious breakfast and then spent the day looking at his beautiful, bald headed wife. The end, time for bed.  

R.A. Spratt:   14:57
Thank you for listening. To support this podcast just go to your local bookshop or favourite online bookseller and by a book by me, R.A. Spratt . There's lots to choose from from across the Nanny Piggins, Friday Barnes and Pesky Kids series. Until next time. Goodbye.