Nanny Piggins and The Duel at Dead Man's Gorge

My lovely publisher kind gave me permission to record a chapter from 'Nanny Piggins 2, The Wicked Plan'. It is a wonderful story about a deluded armadillo and the pig who bested him.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:37

Hello,

Speaker 2: 0:37

Welcome to bedtime stories with me, RA Spratt. Today, I'm going to be reading you a chapter from the second nanny Piggins book. It's called nanny Piggins and the wicked plan. And I'm going to be reading you chapter three, jewel, a dead man's Gorge.

Speaker 1: 1:00

No.

Speaker 2: 1:00

Any pictures of the children were on their hands and knees. Recarpeting the living room. I know this sounds like a very industrious thing to do, but I should explain that the only reason they were recarpeting in the room was because they had tested to see if SOC Furic acid really would burn a hole through the floor. Like they had seen in a movie and their experiment had been 100% successful. Having completed the experiment. However, it then occurred to them that Mr. Green might not be too impressed with the results. He seemed to be inordinately fond of this bland Brown floor covering. He always lost his temper. If anyone made a mud slippery slide on it or trod custard pie into the fibers. So having tried and failed to hide the hole with a vase of flowers, the 300 year old antique vase simply dropped through the hole and smashed into the basement nanny. Piggins decided on recarpeting. Fortunately they found a piece of carpet that fit perfectly in miss Smith's living room. She was an elderly spinster who lived across the road. They borrowed Ms. Smith's carpet without asking. I know this sounds an awful lot like stealing, but really it was just borrowing. Nanny begins was perfectly prepared, returned the carpet. If it ever could to Ms. Smith to ask her whether the carpet stapled to their floor was in fact, her own as luck would have it. This never became an issue. When Ms. Smith returned from bingo at the church hall and discovered that her living room was now capitalists, she was delighted. She thought some good Samaritan had polished her floorboards. And because Ms. Smith loved ballroom dancing, floorboards were much better as far as she was concerned. So nanny begins Derek, Samantha and Michael were just stapling down the last corner of Ms. Smith's bright purple rug using Mr. Green's desk stapler. When they heard a pounding at the front door, who could that be? Us nanny Piggins it can't be the truancy officer said, Michael. He knew this for a fact because he had seen nanny Piggins time, his britches to the filing cabinet in her office earlier that morning using nothing. But the wool unravels for her own cardigan that cardigan had had come in. It was a hideous pink with bunny buttons all down the front. No, she never could have been done. All those knots as quickly agreed in any Piggins perhaps it's a door to door salesman suggested to Martha. No, they don't come anymore said in any pig. And sadly you bought one salesman and they all hold it against you. He brought it on himself company, Derrick. He promised to make your whites whiter. He deserved to suffer the consequences. The pounded at the door started up again. Well, there's only one way to find out who it is that Danny begins. We'll just have to go to the living room and peek through the window. Or we could always just answer the door suggested Samantha. Oh yes. I suppose we could try that too. Considered nanny pickins. And so, without any picking through the window, the letterbox, the keyhole, or using a spy camera attached to the roof nanny Piggins flung open the front door to see who was there and immediately regretted it for there on the doorstep was an angry looking Armadillo. Now, if you did not know what an Armadillo looks like, I had better describe it because an Armadillo is the type of animal that if no one told you what it looked like, you would never guess it is most peculiar. It looks like a pig going to a costume party dressed as a tank, like a pig and Armadillo has short legs and a snout. But unlike a pig and Armadillo is covered in a leathery hard shell. So anyway, that's what an Armadillo looks like. So this Armadillo, without any introduction or explanation immediately tried to slap in any Piggins across the face with a glove. Fortunately, however, nanny Piggins was an eighth, Dan black belt in TaeKwonDo. Her self-defense reflexes were so super fast. She could not have let an Armadillo slap her across the face, even if she wanted to. She just blocked the slap. The Armadillo tried to slap her again and again and again, but each time nanny Piggins definitely blocked the blow. Or did you just hold still? And let me slap you for goodness sake. So the exasperated Armadillo, why I asked Maddie Piggins she could not see any good reason why she should let an Armadillo slap her, but she was prepared to be open-minded because I'm trying to challenge you to at Jules at the Armadillo Watson. And he begins beginning to believe that armadillos, whereas peculiar as they looked, Oh, I understand said, Samantha, you do said nanny begins Derek and Michael and unison because they certainly didn't in the olden days. If you wanted to challenge someone to a Juul, you slap them in the face with a glove. Explain Samantha. Did you learn that at school last night, he begins begrudgingly beginning to feel the first dawning of respect for the education system. No, I learned it from reading lots of historical romance novels admitted Samantha. Then it must be true, decided in any begins because she had a lot more respect for romance writers than she did for teachers. The child is correct to co-lead the Armadillo. My name is Eduardo Monto Bianco, and I have traveled here all the way from Mexico to challenge you to a Juul. Why ask nanny Piggins did you steal his drew level? Dishonor his family name, question, Samantha. That's the reason they usually have jewels in novels. I don't think so said nanny Piggins, but I am very glamorous. Sometimes I have a powerful effect on people without even realizing once the head coach of the Chinese gymnastics team saw me being fired out of a cannon and was so impressed with my athleticism and grace, she immediately went home to China and made all the gymnasts put on 20 kilos by eating donuts. Did it improve their performance? It gymnastics as Michael? No, they enjoyed the donuts so much. They all ran away to work in donut shops, admitted nanny begins, but they were very happy. I am challenging you to a Juul interrupted water because you claim to be the greatest flying animal in all the world. So said any begins, perfectly confident that this was true. It is a lie that Glen had water for. I am the greatest fly in animal in all the world. Now, if you were paying attention, you might at this point question how either a pig, nanny Piggins or an Armadillo Eduardo mother Bianca could possibly claim to be the greatest line animal in all the world. When there are so many animals that have wings, for instance, birds, but you have to understand for circus folk, a flying animal that uses wings is just cheating. It would be like the bearded lady sticking a toupee to her chin or the trapeze artists wrapping themselves in bubble wrap in case they fall or the strong man getting a friend to help him lift things. When nanny begins in Eduardo, talk about the greatest blind animal. They both mean the same thing being fired out of a cannon, which is something to buss about because being fight out of a cannon is really difficult. Whereas flapping wings is really simple. If you've got them now back to the story, nanny Piggins eyes narrowed you. She said managing to compact an enormous amount of contempt into that one short word. Yes. I said Eduardo for I to belong to a circus. And I too I'm fired out of a cannon and it offends me to have a meal woman and a may a pig claiming to be better than me really said, nanny Piggins. As she looked over the Armadillo from head to toe, trying to decide which part of him she was going to bite first, yes. Really said had water. So I challenge you to a duel to prove once. And for all that, I am the greatest animal aviation NIST alive. This is just a showing off way of saying flying animal. Okay? So nanny begins deciding that the armadillos plated shell looks too difficult to bite and that she would be content with punishing him another way, where, and when tomorrow morning at Dawn declared Eduardo fine said nanny Piggins. Even though in her opinion, the only decent thing to do at Dawn was be asleep. We should align our Canon side by side, then fire them to see who goes. The furthest continued the Armadillo, all right, said 90 Piggins it sounded simple enough to her. And then to make things interesting, edited water, we will fire our cannons across. He paused here for dramatic effect, dead man's Gorge, no gasped, all three green children what's dead. Man's Gorge asked nanny Piggins. She was not sure if it was a geographical feature or something that you found in the pocket of a man who had died from eating too much dead. Man's Gorge is two cliff faces either side of a gaping 219 foot drop into the sea. Announced a Duetto as melodramatically as only a Latin American can. Oh, Sidney Piggins. As she mentally tried to pitch what 219 feet looked like a few sums gave her the answer a 20 story building or to put it in terms of food, which is how nanny Pickens always preferred to think of maths. 219 foot long hot dogs laid out end to end. Do you accept my challenge? Little pig acid water rudely. Oh, well you simply surrender any claim you have made to the title of world's greatest flying animal. Let me add to you like this Sydney pickins she picked up the glove, slept at what a hot across the face and slammed the front door in his snout before he had time to blink. She had yet to prove that she could fly further than Eduardo, but she certainly had much quicker reflexes than any Armadillo. So nanny begins in the green children, sat with their backs to the front door thinking or in Samantha's case worrying because that's what she did whenever she thought, what are we going to do? Where it's Amantha she didn't want to see her nanny plummet 219 feet into the sea or worse still plummet 219 feet onto the rocks. Next to the sea. You could lay out mattresses on the rock suggested Michael, you could use a parachute suggested Derek. You could run away. Suggested Samantha said nanny Piggins. As she concentrated heart beat beating a flying Armadillo. Shouldn't be too difficult, but you can't do it. Sets him out that you don't have a cannon and your old circuses miles away. And even if it wasn't, the ringmaster would never lend you. His Canon, the children had met the ringmaster. So they knew he was a very wicked man. Indeed pitfall sit in any Piggins find it. A Canon is the easiest thing in the world. It is a Derrick who would not mind having access to a Canon for dealing with Barry Nichols. The school bully of course said nanny Piggins. They always have them at war museums. And the children could not deny this because there were indeed several large cannons outside the war museum in town, but they only for people to use said, Samantha, of course I said, 90 begins. Why else would they leave them outside? If they didn't want people to borrow them? Um, said, Samantha, as she tried to think of a better explanation, then realized there wasn't one. But if we take a Canon from the war museum, what the war veterans thinks that's very rude asked Derek. If you had survived some blood thirsty and horrific war, would you rather see a Canon stuck outside a museum where grubby children and tourists climb all over it or a dead man's Gorge blasting a pig further than any pig has ever been blasted before the children had to assume that like them, the veterans would want to see the flying pig. So later that day, nanny pickins and the children caught the bus into town and went to borrow a cannon. They took Boris with them because if you're planning to move a gigantic Canon, it is handy to have a 700 kilogram bear with you to help with the heavy lifting. There were several cannons to choose from outside the war museum. So nanny Piggins picked the biggest, the usual policy when choosing anything. Now you might think that security gods, the police, or even just good hearted by standards would stop this borrowing from taking place in broad daylight. But as it turns out the, of a pig, a bear and three children taking a cannon from outside the war museum was so strange that no one thought a challenge them. Now I must make one thing clear. Nanny Piggins does not encourage theft. She knows stealing is wrong. It is always, always wrong, but borrowing is okay. And as nanny Piggins always says, if you must borrow something without asking, do it in broad daylight, is it a veneer of respectability? There was some trouble getting the Canon home. It was a world war one 15 inch Howitzer and weighed about six tons. So there was no way it was going to fit through the door of the bus. Plus they were not sure of the bus driver. I would give a Canada ticket nanny. Piggins thought they should. If they allowed baby push chairs on the bus. But the children and suspected that the bus driver would see baby push chairs and cannons as belonging to two separate categories. Fortunately, the dilemma was solved when nanny Piggins had a brilliant idea, she got Derek to distract the bus driver by pretending he had been bitten by a venomous snake. And while he arrived on the floor in pretend pain nanny Piggins took the belt off her dress and tied the Canon to the back bumper of the bus. So the Canon was dragged back to the grain house without any problem. Although the bus did not get above five kilometers an hour, the whole way back at home, nanny Piggins burrows, the children considered what to do next. We've got a Canon sit Derrick. So is that it? Are you all ready for the Juul? Not quite admitted, nanny Piggins I haven't been blasted out of it Canon for months. I'm out of shape bars, padded, any begins confidently on the hand. I didn't like to say anything, but I'm glad you know what shaped you need to be to be blasted out of a candidate. Now. So Michael thinking of the shapes he had learned about in geometry, squares, circles and trapezoids, that's not the shape. She means explain Samantha. When someone says they're out of shape, they mean they haven't been exercising. They said 90. Piggins contradicting her. When I say I'm out of shape. I mean, I'm out of shape. My shapes become all lean and skinny to be a flying pig. You need to be rounder. Really sit Derek. As he looked at, nanny begins, his nanny already ate more than when a football team trapped in a lift for three days with nothing to eat, but a packet of breath mints. He could not begin to imagine how much you would consume if she was actually trying to gain weight. Oh yes. If I'm going to be blasted an enormous distance tomorrow morning, I must immediately start eating. So nanny Piggins you see it's all to do with physics. You remember what I taught you about Isaac Newton? He was the man who invented gravity said Michael, which is why it hurts. If an Apple falls on your head exactly said nanny Piggins Newton also said that force equals mass times acceleration. What does that mean? Us Derrick? It means that if you're fat you'll fly further, explain nanny Piggins really are Samantha. She did not know much about physics, but she was pretty sure it was more complicated than that. Of course, I'm sure I said nanny Piggins plus the fat helps cushion your landing. If you miss your target added bars now quick, Samantha instructed 90 Piggins you'd better call hons at the bakery. What should I tell him to send around us? Samantha, the trucks had nanny Piggins stocked full of everything from the shop and tell him to start baking as many cakes as his oven will take. This is an emergency. And so hands baked and baked and nanny Piggins ate and ate. And the children watched with odd fascination, perhaps more than all the other things their nanny did. Brilliantly nanny Piggins was phenomenally good at eating. It was a sight to behold. If 18 was an Olympic sport, nanny Piggins would have been the gold medalist every time, which is probably the only reason they do not have eaten at the Olympics because they did not want the athletes to feel bad about being beaten by lady pig. By the time they arrived at dead man's Gorge. The next morning nanny Piggins had certainly managed to get herself back in shape. She looked almost exactly like a huge round pink bullet. She had never had much of a Nick, but what little neck there was had now disappeared entirely. The children bars pushed their borrowed Canon into position next to Eduardo's nanny Piggins could not help. She was too busy rolling on the ground groaning because of all she had eaten. I am surprised you're here. I said, Eduardo, I expected you to run away and cower in fear. Oh, shut up. Sit in any begins. Because for some reason, overeating exhaust the part of the brain that thinks of clever things to say, shall we begin Astrid water? I'm ready. If you ask in any Piggins, which actually turned out to be untrue for start, it took a while to get bars, to stop clutching any plugins to his chest and sobbing

Speaker 3: 17:10

Dangerous.

Speaker 2: 17:13

Then there was another hitch add water climbed easily into the barrel of his Canon. After all, he was still working in the circus and was used to being blasted five times a night, nanny Piggins however was out of practice. When she tried to get into her barrel, she soon discovered she'd been a little overzealous about getting into shape. You don't fit worried, Samantha. Oh, thank goodness. Let's go home said Boris. Yes, I do argue nanny Piggins because she might be able to practice, but she still knew a thing or two about pig ballistics fetch me a big tub of butter. Fortunately, they had a huge tub of butter in Mr. Green's car and only pickins kept it there for emergencies such as suddenly coming across hot cross bonds that urgently needed to be eaten. Now smear it all over me ordered 90 Piggins. So the children bar is set to work buttering nanny Piggins it took longer than you might expect because nanny Pickens got peckish and could not resist licking it off. It was not until Michael found a two year old out of that chocolate bar down the backseat of Mr. Green's car, that they were able to distract many pickins long enough to finish buttering her up. Are you sure this is going to work asked Derek? Oh, of course. I'm sure. I said Piggins and she was right. Although it did take all her strength and an enormous amount of shoving from all three children and Boris to jammer into the barrel and you call yourself a flying pig, sculpted water. I'll be calling myself winner as you eat my dust in a minute, said 90 Piggins in a muffled voice from deep inside the cannon. And so the moment of truth arrived, Samantha was going to do the countdown while Derek and Eduardo's assistant Sanchez. The Guatemalan Guinea pig stood by ready to fire the cannons five, four, three, two one said, Samantha, she clamped her eyes shut because she could not bear to look bam where the cannons is. They fired loudly blasting the two animals into the air. Eduardo shot cleanly out of his Canon and made a perfect parabolic arc in the sky. It was a beautiful flight and very long, sadly, not quite long enough to get him all the way across dead man's Gorge. He was only 20 centimeters short with the other side. But 20 centimeters is a long way. When there is a 219 foot drop below, I said, Eduardo, as he realized, he'd made a terrible, terrible, terrible mistake. But as it turns out, he was lucky. Michael had complete faith in his nanny, but he did not have the same amount of faith in the 90 year old Howitzer or the prevailing headwind she was being blasted into. So he had unbeknownst to nanny Piggins snuck out in the night and put his mattress at the bottom of dead man's Gorge. So rest assured Eduardo did not plumb it to his death. He plummeted to his wet because he fell all the way down, hit the mattress bounced off and landed in the cold wintery sea, which would be unpleasant for anyone. But what's particularly unpleasant for a desert living Armadillo from Mexico who was not used to cold weather. Now I should tell you what happened in any Piggins. Unfortunately it is not exactly clear. It turns out for those of you who know a thing or two about physics, you might be familiar with this, that the tighter you pack the barrel of a cannon, the further the blast goes. So if you fire a pig that only fits into a cannon with the aid of five liters of butter, three small children and a bear, then that pig is going to fly a very long way. Especially if that pig is not particularly good at maths. And she has particular difficulty with decimal places so that instead of putting naught point, not two kilos of gunpowder into the cannon nanny, Piggins put 20 kilos of gunpowder into the cannon. For those of you who do not like decimals either. This means she used 1000 times too much simply put when nanny Piggins blasted out of the cannon, the children, I had no idea where she went. All they saw was a Drake of pink pig flying across the sky at the speed of light. She passed over dead man's Gorge and kept flying until she was a tiny pink dot disappearing over the horizon. Oh dear a. Oh no said Samantha method. Cool said Michael Boris did not say anything because he was too busy whimpering with his paws over his eyes. Now never fear. Nanny Piggins was perfectly all right. She sent the children to telegram later that day to let them know she had landed safely, but they did not see her again for three days because that's how long it took her to walk back. The first thing then he begins did on returning was go to the hospital to see Eduardo. Not that there was anything wrong with him. He was just in hospital for his nerves falling 219 feet into the sea had really shaken him up and totally put him off cannons. So nanny Piggins had mercy on him instead of biting him hard on the leg. As she had originally planned, she mainly slapped him hard across the face with a rubber glove that she borrowed from one of the nurses and told him to never claim to be the greatest flying anything ever again. And so nanny Piggins Boris and the children returned home and everything went back to normal nanny. Piggins had lost her flying shape on the three-day walk back. She still held the title. World's greatest flying animal and the children had the best ever story for show and tell at school on Monday the end, Keep listening to support this podcast just by a book by me, RA spread. There's lots to choose from from across the nanny begins Friday Barnes and pesky kids series. You can order them through your local bookstore or go to my website, RA spratt.com and click on the book depository banner. They've got all my titles and free international shipping. That's a fun hour until next time. Goodbye.