Nanny Piggins and the First Christmas

Nanny Piggins recounts the story from the Piggins family's own oral history of the first Christmas. It involves more chocolate cake than the original version.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:36

Hello, and welcome to bedtime stories with me. RA spread today to celebrate Christmas, I'm going to read for you nanny Piggins and the first Christmas it's from the ninth book in the nanny pagan series, which is called the nanny Piggins guide to conquering Christmas. So here we go. After five nanny begins and the first Christmas it was the first day of the last week of school and nanny begins, immediately knew something was wrong. When she saw Samantha getting off the bus, looking cheerful, it usually took some out the 45 minutes and several slices of cake to let go of the anxiety is caused by a day's worth of education. Why is your sister looking so happy? Nanny Piggins asked Derek and Michael has the canteen been selling those ice blocks with a band red food coloring in them again. Last time she had one, she was hyperactive for a week and had a red tongue for a month. Now I don't begrudge anyone a treat induced mania, but I'd be much more comfortable with her food fuel joy. If it was caused by good old fashioned ingredients like sugar, rather than a modern man made one like flavorings and illegally imported food coloring. Oh, it's got nothing to do with ice blocks. Derrick assured his nanny go on Michael Lynch. Samantha tell nanny, Piggins your good news. I'm a shepherd declared Samantha with a beam in smile. She's got a head injury. Hasn't she said nanny Piggins knowingly. Was it a fall or did she get in a fight in the canteen line while she was waiting for a contraband ice block? No, she really is. A shepherd said Derek in the school nativity play at Samantha. Finally able to stop feeling giddy long enough to say something helpful, but you're a girl protested in any begins. How can you be a shepherd? Everyone knows all shepherds are men because no woman would be silly enough to stay up all night in a field full of sheep. No disrespect to sheep. I know they're lovely, sweet tempered creatures, but they're also unimaginably stupid and they do get their own poo stuck in their wool and do nothing about it. They're going to give me a fake beer to wear. Explain to them at the all the shepherds are girls. There aren't enough roles for girls. Otherwise your school astounds me said nanny Piggins. They are dogmatic about the ridiculous five days a week, attendance rules. And now just because it's Christmas time, they actively encourage cross dressing. Isn't it wonderful exclaim, Samantha, as she literally skipped with delight, you're going to have to explain this to me. He said, nanny begins. I am completely unable to fathom your sister's uncharacteristic. Ebullience she was worried she was going to be asked to play the lead roles or Derrick, you know, Mary who asked nanny begins. The mother of baby Jesus explained Michael O said, nanny begins. Usually Margaret Wallace plays her every year. So Derek Margaret Wallace has blonde curly hair and blue eyes said nanny Piggins. Whereas Mary came from the middle East. So she must have had Brown eyes and hair. But Margaret is the prettiest girl in school. Explain Michael Mary always gets played by the prettiest school in school, but this year said, Derrick Margaret Wallace got chicken pox and is covered in spots. Surely nanny Ann wouldn't let a little thing like that. Stand between Margaret Wallace and the lead role in a place at nanny begins. Now, nanny Ann was one of nanny begins, many art rivals. In fact, if there had been a tear in the space-time continuum causing nanny Piggins to be exactly replicated in a reverse clone, someone who was opposite in every single way, then nanny Anne is what you would get, which makes you wonder if that is how nanny Ann was created. Margaret also broke a nose added Michael, she got chicken pox and broke her nose. Exclaimed. Any Piggins terrible bad luck. Well, the chickenpox sort of caused the broken nose, explained Samantha nanny and puts so much calamine lotion on her that she got some in her eyes and couldn't see properly. So she walked into a door knob. I don't blame her said nanny pig and sympathetically. If nanny Ann were mine, any I'd walk into a door knob to she's still going to be in the place at Derrick, but surely the poor child should be at home, lying down protested, nanny Piggins Manny and insisted that the show must go on. Explain Samantha, but what could she possibly play with such hideous facial impediments? As in any begins, she's going to be the back end of the donkey. Sit Derrick nanny, Anne. Can't be happy with that. Sit in any Piggins who's playing the frontend. I am said Michael happily, because I've already had chicken pox goods at nanny Piggins remind me to pack lots of chocolate inside the donkey suit for you to share with poor Margaret. One of nanny Ann's great. Failings is a total lack of appreciation for the recuperative properties of dairy milk chocolate. So who are you playing? Derek? Derek blushed. Joseph. He admitted the male lead exclaimed any Piggins I think technically baby Jesus is the male lead corrected Michael. Yes, but it isn't a speaking parts and nanny Piggins any part that is traditionally played by a plastic doll is not a good role for an actor. I've got three whole lines that Derrick proudly excellent. Said nanny Piggins show me the script and I'll punch them up for you. See if I can add some jokes and perhaps a touch of soft shoe dancing. I don't think you're allowed to punch up the scripts. That's Amantha it's from the Bible St. Luke won't mind. Nanny Pickens is shorter. I'll only make improvements after all it's been over 2000 years, that dialogue could probably do with freshmen up and perhaps a few contemporary political references. I don't think headmaster pimple stock will go along with that one. Derek nanny Piggins side, I find there is no end to what headmaster pimple stock will agree to. Once I put him in a headlock, she said, so nanny Piggins sat down to read the play. The school had been performing the exact same nativity production with the exact same props and costumes for 30 years. This made things very easy for the staff because by the time the children were old enough to play the talking parts. They'd seen the play so many times that they knew all the lines by heart, but nanny Piggins was not going to let a little thing like tradition sway her. This play is appalling. She denounced it. I think headmaster pimple stocked. It said Derek typical Sydney Piggins that man has less imagination than our fruit bat. A species that is pathologically unimaginative because of the excess of fruit in their diet. I know the dialogue is a little stilted sit Derek, but nativity plays a supposed to be simple. It's not the complete lack of word play action sequences or fistfights that appalls me said nanny Piggins is that he got all the facts entirely wrong. Really asked Samantha. I'm pretty sure he includes all the main plot points from the Bible. So 90 begins. That's where he went wrong. How asked Derek? There is a much more reliable account of what went on in the stable. The night that baby Jesus was born said, nanny Piggins really asked Michael beginning to get excited. He could sense a stunning revelation coming. Yes. The oral history of the pagans family includes a firsthand account of that night, which has been passed down through generations from pig to pig declared nanny Piggins you see my great, great, great, great times. 98 grapes grandmother unit Piggins was in the stable that night. No way exclaim the children. She helped deliver. The baby said nanny Piggins ER, pulling our legs. It's Amantha well, you don't think Joseph delivered the baby. Do you ask nanny Piggins in these tricky situations, you always need a woman or preferably a pig to take charge. Tell us the story. Nanny begins. Please urge Michael knowing that if nanny pig and set of Piggins was present at the first Christmas events, must've been much more exciting than the recorded history. All right, agreed nanny. Piggins checking her. Watch. If you give me 45 minutes to whip up some baklava, you shouldn't tell stories without something sweet and sticky in your hand. And so 45 minutes later, the children sat around and he begins on the couch. A tray of sticky honey flavored pastry on each of their laps. Ready to listen to her story. Long, long ago began nanny Piggins over 2000 years ago, supplied Derrick don't interrupt snapped in Annie begins. So neither here nor there the shocking details of the first Christmas that I'm about to tell you, uh, much more significant than a 2000 year old calendar system. Sorry. Sit Derek. That's quite all right. So Nancy Piggins where was I? Oh yes. Long, long ago. She glared at Derek before continuing my great times. 98 grandmother. You did Piggins was minding her own business and having a lovely nap after a particularly delicious dinner of chocolate cake. I didn't know. They had chocolate take 2000 years ago in the middle East it's Amantha humans didn't agree to any Piggins but pigs have always been way ahead of humans in the field of experimental cooking. The children nodded encouraging her to continue. So you did Piggins was sound asleep, snuggled up in the corner of a stable behind an end when continuing any begins. Hang on, interrupted Derek again, where the interruptions complained nanny Piggins rolling her eyes. I don't mean to be disrespectful. Continue Derek people who say that are always about to be very disrespectful accused and it begins in the middle East. People don't eat bacon or pork said Derrick carefully. The subject was a very sensitive one to his nanny. The mere mention of the word bacon could send her into a shin bite in frenzy. That's true. Agreed nanny Piggins. There are very civilized people. What's your point? Well, why would there be a pig in the stable then asked Derek, well, if they don't eat pork, where else would the pig be? Asked nanny Piggins no, I mean, why would they even began? Derrick you've already heard the story. You know, there was no room in the end said nanny Piggins. Yes, but continued Derek. She was hardly going to go and sleep in an open field with a sheep, like some sort of wild animal was she asked nanny Piggins well began Derek, but Samantha put her hand over his and whispered to her brother, Derek. We all want to hear. And then he begins story. If you start trying to apply logic and rational thinking, we're never going to get through it. Are we sorry? So Derek realizing that assistant was entirely right, please continue. You did Piggins was having a lovely dream about a world where fruit was soaked in so much Brandy and cooked with so much fatty suit that it actually tasted good when she was rudely awoken by a great big pregnant lady sitting on her Trotter said nanny Piggins Oh, cried. You'd at Piggins. How dare you crush my Trotter? And when my imagination finished inventing all the ingredients to go in the pudding I was dreaming about. Sorry, said the pregnant lady. It's just nice to sit down on something that isn't a donkey. Have you tried a chair asked you that Piggins I'd love a chair. So the pregnant lady, but they won't let us in the end really asked you to Piggins. That would be right. That innkeeper is a Rotter. He wouldn't let me borrow his oven to make creme brulee. So I'm not surprised he doesn't let an eight and a half months pregnant woman inside is in. He's probably worried. You'll have a baby and keep him up half the night asking him for boiling water and towels. Oh, I think my feet have swollen said the pregnant lady. I'm not surprised said you'd at Piggins. That's the problem with traveling by donkey. There's no foot rest. Do you mind if I have a little nap pass the pregnant lady there? Exclaimed you'd at Piggins. I keep my stash of sticky buns under that pile of, Hey, come over here. There's a nice pile of hay that the cow hasn't got around to use it as a toilet yet. Thanks at the pregnant lady before promptly falling asleep. Europeans is just about to do the same. When a man came into the barn, is this demanded you? That is, this Bethlehem's hit new meeting place or is this a stable? Sorry to disturb. You said the man politely is my wife. All right. She's gone to sleep said you'd Piggins. She was telling me some crazy story about you making her travel a long distance on a donkey. It's true. So the man we've come all the way from Nazareth for the census. Are you out of your mind? She's eight and a half months pregnant. Exclaimed unit begins. She shouldn't be traveling anywhere except perhaps to the nearest cake shop was more sustenance. We had to say, Joseph, it's the law. You have to return to the place of your birth for the census. Yes, but it should be pretty easy to get around. That said unit Piggins DNA technology and fingerprinting haven't been invented yet. So as long as you turn up with a woman at the census, they're never going to know whether she's your actual wife. That way you can let this poor pregnant woman stay at home with a feet up eating Bon bons. Oh, I hadn't thought of that. Admitted Joseph. It never ceases to amaze me. That humans think they are the dominant species when they are so poor at lateral thinking said you'd opinions and deceit. She added as an afterthought interrupted Mary. What's wrong with you asked you to Piggins. I think the babies come in and said, Mary, I bet it's a boys that Piggins only a man could have such bad timing. What should I do ask Joseph, do you know how to bake a chocolate cake asked you to Piggins no, it went to Joseph. That's a shame said you did. Oh, this drama is making me peckish. Nevermind. I'll put you in charge of holding Mary's hand and saying supportive things. Do you think you can handle that? I think so said Joseph failed declared nanny begins until this baby is born. I want every sentence you say to be phrased in the most positive way possible. Do you think you can handle that? Um, said Joseph wrecking his brain, trying to stop it panicking and focus. Of course everything is going to be all right now, kiss her and tell her she's beautiful audit unit. Piggins weld Mary, as another contraction hit. Do you really think it will help us? Joseph just do, as I say, demanded you to Piggins you look beautiful. Ly Joseph before giving Mary a kiss. Good work. Keep it up as you. It don't worry. She'll be in too much pain to be able to tell your line. And so two hours later, after much screaming, pushing, and like a sailor from you to Piggins obviously married did not have a potty mouth. The baby was born and they called him baby Jesus called out Samantha, who is telling this story. Demanded nanny begins. If you're going to yell out all the good bits, where's the fun for me. Sorry, Samantha, please continue. And they called him baby. Jesus said in any Piggins. Then Mary had a long nap and Joseph sat with his head between his legs waiting for the feeling of nausea to go away. Unit picking herself was just settling down to go to sleep. After a long night of midwifery, when there was a knock at the door, who could that be complained to you? That before calling out through the door, if you are another expectant mother go away. This is a stable, not a hospital. We animals need our sleep too. You know you hello called a voice from outside. You'd at Piggins instinctively knew that anyone who was silly enough to call out you who at two o'clock in the morning was unlikely to go away just because you yelled at them too. So she got out of her makeshift bed of hay and went over to answer the door. This had better be good. She said, as she swung over the door and was surprised to discover three shepherd standing there, do you want ask you that Piggins glory to the new bond King declared one of the shepherds? How dare you said you didn't Piggins I am not a King. I am a lady. So if you are going to declare me royalty, I'd be a queen. No, the baby said the shepherd unto you. A child has been born and he will be our new King savior of us all and pertinent declared you. That begins. I have not had a baby. And if I had had a baby, I certainly wouldn't be standing around talking to a bunch of shepherds, but the angel of the Lord came to us in the field. So the shepherd and told us that the bright star would guide us to the stable where Christ our savior was born. Unit Piggins turned and looked up at the sky. She had to shield her eyes from the glare because an enormously bright star was shining directly above them. Let me get this straight city that begins. An angel came to you in the field, told you a baby had been born and that you should go and visit it. That's right. So the shepherd and this angel didn't mention anything about appropriate visiting hours or waiting a few hours while the mother got over a difficult labor, asked you to Piggins no admitted the shepherd, the angel didn't say anything about not bringing your sheep to meet the newly born baby whose immune system hadn't fully developed yet. And maybe susceptible to goodness knows what shake bond diseases asked you that Piggins the shepherds looked down at the sheep that were carrying, which were undeniably dusty and slightly Pooh written. Oops said the shepherd. We didn't think of that. You'd at pig inside. Don't worry. I don't blame you, but this angel should have known better. So can we see the baby as the shepherd? All right. Considered you to Piggins if you leave your outside and wash your hands thoroughly first. So you'd have Piggins led the shepherds in to see the baby. Mary was fast asleep on a bed of hay and the baby was nowhere to be seen. Joseph called you Piggins Joseph looked up, he was still a bit green around the girls. Yes. Where's the baby asked you that Piggins Oh, he fell asleep. So Joseph, so I lay him in the manger accuse you Piggins. We are thinking the animals eat out of the manger. Have you any idea how unhygienic that is and not just for the baby? Think about the poor animals, which you ate off a dinner plate that someone had let a new born baby sleep on. Um, so Joseph be told after all he'd seen in the last few hours, he wasn't planning to eat anything again. Anytime soon, nevermind said you'd at Piggins with OSI. I suppose if I have a stern word with a cow and the donkey, I should be able to persuade them not to lick the baby for a few days. That really didn't. You read any of the baby books. So the shepherds visited the baby. They all agreed. He was adorable. They counted his little toes, sniffed his lovely soft hair and said, Oh God, you're good. You can get grew. And all the other things everyone does when they meet a newborn, then they went out into the town and proudly boasted of seeing the baby. That would one day be their King to which everyone said, yeah, yeah. Pull the other one. And so things returned to normal or as normal as a stable with a donkey account, a very glamorous pig, a newly married couple and a newborn baby can be until late one night. U2 begins was again a woken by a knock at the door, uh, grown Mary. She had just got the baby back to sleep. The last thing she wanted was for someone to come along and wake him up again. I'll get it said you to Piggins and they better have a jolly good reason for waking us up at such an antisocial hour, or they're going to get a short, sharp nip on the shins. When unit Piggins opened the door, she was startled to discover it. Wasn't the shepherds this time, it was three amazingly dressed Kings. She could tell from all the expensive, gold decorated robes they were wearing, and the fact that they had camels with them, that they were from some far distant, even more exotic land. What do you want asked you that pig and suspiciously, the stable was becoming very overcrowded. She didn't think they could fit in three Kings and their camels as well. We three Kings from orient. Our, so the first King, his grammar was a little strange because Aramaic wasn't his first language bearing gifts. We traveled so far at the second King, more and mountain fueled and fountain following yonder started the third King. You'd have, Piggins looked up at the bright star, overhead that star again, she muttered cause there's nothing but trouble. Although it does mean we can read at night without a reading light. We come bearing gifts said the first King. Now this got unit's attention. Really? She said, well, that's small. Like it. What did you bring? Chocolate cake. No, I've gold to the first King. I brought frankincense said the second King. And I've got Merce at the third King. None of you has children of your own. Do you said you'd it begins shaking her head. Sadly. It didn't occur to you that the kid might prefer a squeaky soft toy or a teething ring. Sorry. So the first King that's all right, said Piggins I suppose it's the thought that counts. You didn't pick it and show the three wise men they gave the gifts, worship. The baby then spent a few awkward minutes trying to make small talk with the young parents with whom the three Royals had absolutely nothing in common. They were just about to leave when the third King piped up and said, Oh, by the way, when we came into town, we dropped biking. Heritage place really asked Joseph politely. It's a Royal thing. Explained the King. When you're in town, you have to drop by the local King to say hello. Oh, said Mary, any Rue said the third King. We did mention that we will come to see a newborn King who would one day be King of us all. And how did he take that? Asked you to pick and suspiciously very well. So the second King, he said to give you his love and he wants us to drop by on the way home to give him your postal address. Nitwit accused you to Piggins as she leaped to her daughters, this is King Herod. You're talking about. And you've just told him a newborn King has been born, who will one day take over his job? I hadn't thought about it. That way. Admitted the King and hair. It's not exactly a King renowned for turning up and giving newborns freely booties, Izzy accused. Piggins no admitted the Kings. He's better known for killing everybody who annoys him. Isn't he accused you to Piggins yes. Considered the second King. He killed my camel because he said it looked at him. Finally writes pagans. Everyone is packing up now, but it's the middle of the night. Moaned Mary come on, said unit. You're never going to get a good night's sleep here. Anyway. What, with all the farm workers and foreign royalty who keep dropping by you and Joseph better take Jesus and flee into the desert before Herod finds you. All right. Agree, Joseph. And you three said you'd at Piggins glaring at the three Kings. You'd better go home the long way via Damascus. Oh, complained the Kings, not Damascus. You can't get a decent for ball in Damascus. That's enough of that audit unit. Piggins you're the ones who drop Mary and Joseph in it with Herod. You have to make up for it by sneaking out of town and going to the last place you've ever looked for you. All right. Agreed. The Kings and that announced any Piggins is the story of the first Christmas. Jesus grew up to say a great deal of tremendously wise things about sharing food and being kind to children and to try his hardest, to save us all from our sins. With some of us, there's so much sin that is quite an undertaking and it only came to be because he was lucky enough to have a pig. Piggins actors, midwife at his birth. Is that true? Last Michael, whether it's true or not is not the question. So nanny Piggins, you have to have faith. And I have faith that if one of my ancestors was in the stable that night feeding the little baby crumbs of chocolate, it's the only rational explanation as to how a baby could flourish in such unhygienic. So

Speaker 2: 24:24

The

Speaker 1: 24:32

Thank you for listening to support this podcast, just buy a book by me, RA spread. There are plenty to choose from, from across the nanny begins Friday Barnes and pesky kids series. And now there's the audio book of the adventures of nanny Piggins as well. You can order them through your local bookstore or go to my website, RA spratt.com and click on the book, depository banner. They have all my titles and free international shipping until next time I hope you have a safe and happy holiday

Speaker 2: 24:58

Goodbye.