'Snow Pig' told by Nanny Piggins

While caught sheltering in a bus stop during a rain storm, Nanny Piggins regales the children with the story of a distant yet staggeringly beautiful relative of hers - Snow Pig and her much maligned stepmother.

I’m very excited to announce that we now have merchandise for BEDTIME STORIES WITH R.A. SPRATT! You can order t-shirts, sweaters, hoodies, notebooks and coffee cups all with the show’s new logo on it. They look super cool. Here's the link to the online shop...

https://raspratt.threadless.com/designs/bedtime-stories-with-r-a-spratt-2/kids

Transcript

Hello and welcome to Bedtime Stories with me, R.A. Spratt. Today's story is my version of Snow White, Snow Pig

 Here we go...

Nanny Piggins, Derrick, Samantha, Michael and Boris were sitting in a bus shelter. They weren’t waiting for a bus. They were waiting for it to stop pouring down with rain. Normally Nanny Piggins wasn’t afraid of getting wet. But her hair was looking particularly fabulous after a vigorous sprint across a windswept football field to catch the ice-cream van before it pulled away. 

The sad thing was they didn’t actually catch the ice-cream van in time. You see a football match was taking place on the football field that they ran across, and Nanny Piggins inadvertently intercepted a pass. Naturally once she had the ball it would have been meek spirited of her not to run the full length of the field weaving around all the players and scoring a deeply impressive goal by bending the ball through the air, as it arced 50 metres across the field and into the top right corner of the goal box. 

Unfortunately, Nanny Piggins athletic triumph was at the cost of ice cream success. As she celebrated her goal with three cartweels and a backflip, much to the delight of the crowd, the ice cream van pulled out of the carpark. 

But the impromptu athletic display had made Nanny Piggins hair puff out beautifully, and put a lovely flush in her cheeks, so when it started to drizzle she was reluctant to stay in the rain. Which is why they all sought shelter in the nearest bus stop. 

They soon discovered that bus stops do not offer a lot of scope for the imagination. Once they had read the timetable, and the graffiti scrawled across it, there was not much else to do. The seat was not particularly comfortable. It was irritatingly small, which didn’t suit Boris at all. Being a 700 kg, ten-foot-tall bear, he had a sizeable bottom to accommodate.

‘Why must they make these seats so small?’ wondered Nanny Piggins. ‘Where are the bears supposed to sit.’

‘I don’t suppose they had bears in mind when they designed the bus shelter,’ said Derrick.

‘Typical,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘Humans can be so speciesist.’

‘And I keep sliding off,’ said Boris. ‘This seat is at such an inconvenient angle.’

‘That’s to stop homeless people sleeping on the seat,’ said Samantha. 

‘That’s very mean spirited,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘Where are the homeless people meant to sleep? Out in the rain?’

‘I think they’re meant to get homes,’ said Samantha.

‘But how can they do that if they’re exhausted with lack of sleep,’ said Nanny Piggins.

‘They need kind sisters to find them a shed,’ said Boris. 

That is what Nanny Piggins had done for him. Boris loved his shed. He had a lovely soft bed. And lots of garden tools, that were excellent for scratching the hard-to-reach itches on his back.

The rain was coming down really hard now. 

‘It looks like it’s going to take forever to stop raining,’ said Nanny Piggins with a sigh. ‘I was hoping we could rush home, get your father’s car and drive around looking for the ice-cream van.’

‘I don’t think father would agree to that,’ said Derrick.

‘Of course, he wouldn’t,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘That man has no appreciation for the importance of a high ice cream diet.’

‘Is it important to have a high ice cream diet?’ asked Michael.

‘Desperately so,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘Ice cream is a dairy food. And it is excellent for keeping heat stroke at bay.’

Michael looked out at the pouring winter rain. ‘I don’t think any of us are likely to succumb to heat stroke any time soon.’

‘You can never be too sure,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘Doctors are always saying how important preventative medicine is. An ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure – they say. So just think how good 5 litres of triple choc cookie dough ice-cream must be!’

‘Very therapeutic,’ said Boris nodding.

Derrick decided it might be a good idea to change the subject. ‘Since we’re going to be here for a while, why don’t you tell us a story?’ he suggested.

‘Oh yes, please,’ said Samantha.

‘Oh yes,’ agreed Boris. ‘We can snuggle together if we’re listening to a story.’

‘Alright,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘I’ll tell you a story about a staggerly beautiful distant relative of mine. Her name was … Snow Pig.’

‘Snow pig?’ asked Derrick.

‘You mean like, Snow White?’ asked Michael.

‘Snow who?’ asked Nanny Piggins.

‘White?’ said Michael.

‘Never heard of her,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘Snow Pig was a pig.  A pink pig. Not white at all. Anyway, when Snow Pig was just a little piglet her mother died.’

‘That’s terrible,’ said Samantha. Her own mother had gone missing in a mysterious boating accident so this was a sensitive subject for her.’

‘Yes yes,’ agreed Nanny Piggins. ‘But it was inevitable. You see, this is a story. And you always have to get rid of at least one parent at the beginning a story, so the characters can get up to mischief. A story without mischief is invariably boring. That’s why so many Hollywood movies have to resort to violence and naughty language. They haven’t got the imagination to be mischievious.’

‘You were telling us about Snow White… I mean Snow Pig,’ Derrick reminded her.

‘Oh yes, I was,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘Do stop interrupting Samantha. Or I will have to tell you the story about the girl who interrupted too much.’

‘What happened to her?’ asked Michael.

‘She was run over by a steam roller,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘There now, I’ve told you the ending and totally ruined it for you. That’s exactly why you should never interrupt.’

‘Sorry Nanny Piggins,’ said Michael.

‘Anyway, Snow Pig was just a piglet,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘And her father the King. Did I mention that she was a princess? Well she was. It seems that you couldn’t have a story in the olden story days without it being about a princess. Storytellers were so obsessed with royalty it was ridiculous. I’ve never seen a member of any royal family walk a tight rope or swing on a trapeze, so I don’t know why people make such a fuss about them. Anyway, Snow White’s father, the king, was lonely and he decided to remarry. So, before she knew it, Snow White had a step mother.

‘Oh no,’ said Samantha.

‘Now why do you say that?’ asked Nanny Piggins.

‘It’s just that traditionally stepmothers in stories are always very mean,’ said Samantha.

‘I know,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘It’s outrageous. The stepmothers of the world should band together and sue storytellers for the appalling defamation of them as a group. These poor women agree to take on, not just a husband which can be a burden in itself, let me tell you, but children as well. Obviously you three children are a delight and it is a pleasure to look after. But many children are not. Some are unpleasant. They don’t wipe their noses. Or scrub their finger nails. Or eat all the chocolate cake that’s been put in front of them. Stepmothers have a lot to put up with. And their lives are made infinitely harder by storytellers going round making up stories about them.

‘But isn’t that what storytellers do?’ asked Michael.

‘That doesn’t make it right,’ said Nanny Piggins. 

‘But hang about,’ said Derrick. ‘I’ve heard the story of Snow White. I mean Snow Pig. Didn’t the stepmother order a woodcutter to take Snow Pig out into the forest and cut out her heart?’

‘Well yes,’ agreed Nanny Piggins. ‘Okay, so she may have over reacted. And lost her cool a little bit. Snow Pig did eat all the 100s and 1000s  in the baking  cupboard and without even asking. And straight out of the jar like a pig!

‘She was a pig,’ said Michael.

‘That’s why it’s so bad,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘It’s such a cliché!’.

‘I thought the stepmother did it because her mirror told her that Snow Pig was prettier than her?’ asked Samantha.

‘Yes, but to be fair if your home furnishings started talking to you in rhyming couplets, you might freak out and act a little oddly too,’ said Nanny Piggins.

‘Still cutting out her heart is pretty harsh,’ said Michael.

‘But the woodcutter didn’t actually do it, did he?’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘He let Snow Pig go. She survived. So the stepmother isn’t that bad at all. It’s just a conspiracy to commit open heart surgery. Which I’m pretty sure isn’t a specific crime. When she cooled down, I’m sure the stepmother would have come to her senses and let Snow Pig come home in time to watch The Young and the Irritable. She might have been a little cruel, but she wasn’t so cruel as to keep a pig from her favourite soap opera. But sadly they never got a chance to watch their favourite show together, because Snow Pig selfishly ran away into the forest.’

‘Where she came upon a house full of seven dwarves,’ said Michael.

‘Michael Green!’ exclaimed Nanny Piggins. ‘You can’t say that. It’s not politically correct.’

‘It isn’t?’ asked Michael.

‘You can’t say the d word. You must say, unusually short people,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘Or vertically challenged people.’

‘They weren’t actual dwarves?’ asked Samantha.

‘Of course not,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘Why would seven dwarves all live in the same house together? No these were seven unnaturally short people who chose to live together so they would not be shunned by the rest of society. There was a jockey, a blockbuster film star, a Napolean Boneaparte impersonater, a crossfit athlete, a chimney sweep, Dolly Parton and ballet dancer.’

And they all lived together in a house in the forest?’ asked Derrick.

‘Yes, it was very sensible really,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘They could band together and perform tasks that would be too hard for them otherwise. For example, they would perform a human pyramid and they ballet dancer would grand jete up on top with a light globe, when they needed to change a light bulb.’

‘Why didn’t they just buy a ladder?’ asked Michael.

‘Because this is a fairy tale!” snapped Nanny Piggins. ‘If people did sensible things in fairy tales it would totally ruin the story.’

‘So anyway, Snow Pig turned up at their house one day and asked if she could move in,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘The seven short statured people were hesitant at first because she was normal height so they didn’t have any furniture that was a suitable size for her. But she was stunningly good looking, so they were too brain addled from looking at her not to agree.’

‘Did they make her do all the cooking and cleaning for them?’ asked Samantha.

‘No,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘She volunteered to do it. You see she’d been a princess her whole life. She’d never washed a dish or ironed a shirt before. She thought it was all tremendously good fun. Looking after seven vertically challenged people for her was like going to Disneyland for a normal person. She had a wonderful time. And the vertically challenged people loved it too. They were finally eating proper meals and they didn’t smell as bad as usual, so everyone was very happy.’

‘So they all lived happily ever after?’ asked Boris.

‘No, of course not,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘Because that blabber box, the talking mirror, dobbed Snow Pig in.’

‘Gosh no!’ said Boris.

‘Yes,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘When the much maligned stepmother asked her mirror ‘mirror mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all’ the mirror could have said, ‘none is as fair as you, your skin is a pure at the mountain dew’ or some other syrupy claptrap. But no, the mirror had to be honest. He straight out told her, ‘It’s not you, you deluded old hag. Compared to Snow Pig, you look like an old leather handbag.’

‘How rude,’ said Samantha.

‘I know,’ agreed Nanny Piggins. ‘But I suppose mirrors do see people at their worst. When they’re staring at their own image in indulgent self-obsession, so it’s no wonder they have an attitude problem.’

‘Anyway,’ continued Nanny Piggins. ‘Once the mirror told the much maligned stepmother that Snow Pig was still alive, obviously she had to hike out into the forest herself and try to kill her again.’

‘She did?’ asked Samantha.

‘She didn’t want to,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘There was so much mud in the forest it was sure to ruin her shoes. But bravely the maligned stepmother did it anyway.’

‘When she got to the house, none of the unusually short people were there,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘So Snow Pig opened the door herself.’

‘Oh, it’s you,’ said Snow Pig rudely.

‘Yes, it’s me,’ agreed the stepmother, ‘Come along, you’d better get home before you father finds out what you’ve been up to.’

‘But she’d only been cleaning up after seven short people,’ said Michael.

‘I know,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘And the king would have been outraged if he had found out. Princesses can’t go round cleaning. It might start a trend. Then people will expect all royalty to polish their kitchen floor or scrub the grout in their bath tub. He was bound to be furious when he found out.’

‘But I don’t want too,’ whined Snow Pig, like a typical sullen teen. ‘I’m tired and I’m hungry.’

‘Now the stepmother may have been dangerously vindictive,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘But like any mother, she knew the secret to getting a child to do something was to give them a snack. And she had one ready in anticipation of just this sort of scenario.’

‘Here,’ said the Stepmother. ‘I’ve got a sweet juicy ripe apple for you. Eat that and you’ll have plenty of energy to walk home with me.’

‘Now this was a particularly delicious looking apple,’ said Nanny piggings.

‘I thought you didn’t approve of fruit,’ said Michael.

‘I don’t,’ agreed Nanny Piggins. ‘But this apple had been dipped in chocolate, so you could barely tell that there was something healthy inside. Snow Pig grabbed it out of her stepmother’s hand without thinking and jammed it her mouth, biting off an enormous chunk. Which she immediately started to choke on.’

‘The stepmother was horrified,’ said Nanny Piggins,

‘But I thought she wanted Snow Pig dead,’ said Derrick.

‘There’s a big difference between thinking you want something and actually see it happen right before your eyes,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘She desperately whacked Snow Pig on the back trying to dislodge the apple. She grabbed hold of her and squeezed her diaphragm trying to do the hiemlich manouvre - but nothing worked. Snow Pig was going blue in the face. And not a nice blue, a very unpleasant blue that did not go with the frock she was wearing at all.

‘Oh gosh,’ said Boris. ‘I don’t like how this story is going at all. What happened the rest of that delicious apple?’

‘It fell on the ground,’ said Nanny Piggins.

‘Oh no, I can’t bear to listen,’ said Boris, ‘I hate to hear about food going to waste. Especially when it’s delicious.’

‘Fortunately at that very moment, a prince came along,’ said Nanny Piggins.

‘And picked up the apple?’ asked Boris.

‘He did eventually,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘But first he saved Snow Pig. He picked her up, spun her upside down and gave her a good shake until he she vomited all over the forest floor.’

‘Gross,’ said Michael.

‘Yes, but not as gross and choking on an apple,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘So let that be a listen to you. Make sure you do a first aid coarse so you know the correct way to help a princess who is choking.’

‘Is that the correct way?’ asked Derrick.

‘As my distant relative Galileo Piggins once said,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘Gravity always brings you back to earth. Or in this case, a chunk of apple back to earth.’

‘And then they got married and lived happily ever after?’ asked Samantha.

‘Well, she’d just been sick on his shoes,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘That’s not a great start to a relationship. But Snow Pig was incredibly beautiful. And unusually good at cooking and cleaning so of course the Prince soon fell in love with her. Especially after the much maligned stepmother saw which way the wind was blowing and snuck some love potion in his Gatorade to seal the deal, and get Snow Pig out of her house.’

‘So they did live happily ever after,’ said Samantha.

‘Yes, they did,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘Snow Pig lived happily with the Prince who was able to first aid her any time she had a near death experience. And the much maligned stepmother was able to relax and enjoy being a queen without feeling she was being compared her staggeringly beautiful step daughter.’

‘Wasn’t she lonely, when Snow Pig was gone?’ asked Michael.

‘No, she had the king,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘And she got herself nine cavoodle puppies and an ice cream van. So when she looked in the mirror each morning and asked ‘mirror mirror on the wall who is the happiest of them all?’ even the miserable mean spirited pedantically honest mirror had to say, ‘You don’t deserve for it to be true, but the happiest in the land is definitely you.’

The end time for bed,’ said Nanny Piggins.

‘We’re in a bus shelter,’ said Derrick.

‘Oh yes,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘It would be silly to fall asleep here.’

Just then a van came around the corner. It was brightly lit and had a large fibre glass model of an ice-cream cone on the roof.

‘Oh my chocolate!’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘Am I having a hallucination? Or is that the ice cream van.’

‘It is the ice cream van, Sarah,’ said Boris.

‘Hold my handbag,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘I’m going to get us all a cone.’ 

And then, with total disregard for the pouring rain and the damage it would do for her fabulous hair, Nanny Piggins launched herself into the street and started sprinting down the road after the hapless vehicle.

The end.

Thank you for listening to support this podcast just buy a book by me R.A. Spratt. There are lots to choose from across the Nanny Piggins, Friday Barnes and Peski Kids series. And now there is the Audio book of The Adventures of Nanny Piggins and soon the audio book of Friday Barnes, Girl Detective as well. You can order them through your local bookstore or go to my website rapsratt.com and click on the Book Depository banner. They have all my titles and free international shipping. That's it for now. Until next time, goodbye.