Hello and welcome to bedtime stories with me, R.A. Spratt. Todays’ story is…
A Tall Tale about Cats, Dogs and fighting crime with the Queen.
Here we go…
Mum was standing outside the school fence waiting for Tammy. She’d a long day of writing which sometimes made her brain get a bit fried. She’d feel fine, but then she would realise that she had been staring at the same patch of grass for an unaturally long time.
Usually when Tammy came out of school she would be the one to grunt out monosyllabic answers. But today when Tammy emerged and Mum walked up to the gate, it was Mum who struggled to remember to ask questions.
‘Hello,’ said Mum.
‘Hello,’ said Tammy.
‘How was your day?’ asked Mum.
‘Urgh we had to write stories,’ said Tammy. But from her tone she had clearly really enjoyed this.
They walked over to the curb to cross the road and as they crossed, Mum realised that Tammy was still talking and she hadn’t heard a word she had said.
‘I’m sorry,’ said Mum. ‘I wasn’t listening. What did you say.’
‘Have you just woken up from a nap?’ accused Tammy. Mum always liked to squeeze in a nap in the afternoon and sometimes she could be very bleary eyed at pick up.
‘No, I’ve been working, all day,’ said Mum. ‘It’s been awful.’
‘All day?’ asked Tammy.
‘Well, all day once I got home from the gym,’ said Mum.
‘Yes, that sounds terrible,’ said Tammy.
‘It was,’ said Mum. ‘I had to come up with ideas and think of words. And it was very hard. I had to eat a lot of chocolate to make them come.’
‘You don’t eat chocolate,’ said Tammy.
‘I know,’ said Mum. ‘That was the hardest part. I had to find Daddy’s secret stash, and he’s so tall he always hides it in such high up places. That was hard work too.’
‘We did stream of consciousness writing today,’ said Tammy.
‘Ahuh,’ said Mum. Her mind starting to wander again.
‘We could write about whatever we liked, but we weren’t allowed to stop and think,’ said Tammy.
‘Really,’ said Mum. This caught her interest. ‘That’s such good advice. I never stop and think when I write. Thinking just holds you back. Because when you start to think about what you’re writing you start think – this is awful - and that makes you sad.’
‘I was looking out the window,’ said Tammy ‘And I thought. You know how they say – it’s raining cats and dogs. What if it really was raining cats and dogs?’
Mum’s face lit up. ‘Puppies falling out of the sky?’ said Mum. ‘Would I get to keep all the puppies? That would be my dream come true. Would they have parachutes? I wouldn’t want them to get hurt.’
‘They could land on tramplines,’ said Tammy.
‘Or fall in fishponds,’ said Mum. ‘Remember that time that Stanley got so excited he was going for a walk that he fell backwards off the deck into the fishpond. Poor Stanley he got such a shock.’
Stanley looked up at them because he’d heard his name.
‘Poor fish,’ said Tammy.
‘True,’ said Mum. ‘It must have blown their minds. They live in a world with just fish and plants and they think that’s all that exists. Then suddenly kapow they’re confronted by a giant aquatic cavoodle. Then he gets out and they never see him again.’
‘He drinks from the fish pond all the time,’ said Tammy.
‘They only see him when his giant mouth descends into their realm and scoops up their atmosphere, because to them water is atmosphere, with his giant gross pink tongue. It must be very confusing for them. They probably think he is the loch ness monster. Not that they know about the loch ness monster. But if they did they’d probably think it looked like Stanley.
Tammy looked at Stanely. He was a very cute and extremely affectionate black and white cavoodle. There was nothing monstorous or mysterious about him. Tammy changed the subject. ‘But then I started thinking that what if it rained cats and dogs, in cats and dogs.’
Mum gasped at the brilliance of this idea, ‘You mean, that it literally rained cats and dogs the animals, but also figuratively cats and dogs, meaning like a tremendous stormy amount.’
‘Yes,’ Tammy.
‘That is the most brilliant idea I have ever heard,’ said Mum. ‘It is a thousand times better than any idea I had today.’
Tammy smirked a little with pride
‘Or… what if it was cats and dogs in the sense that the cats and dogs were just big, like big rain drops but big dogs and cats,’ said Mum. ‘Like Burmese Mountain Dogs and Irish Wolf Hounds falling out of the sky.’
‘You’d love that,’ said Tammy.
‘I would,’ agreed Mum. She’d always wanted and Irish Wolf Hound. ‘Last time I was at the vet there was an enormous dog, it was a mastiff and it weighed 65kg. If a dog that big landed on you, you would be seriously squashed. It would cause injuries.’
‘And you’re allergic to cats,’ Tammy pointed out. ‘All the cats falling into the yard might kill you.’
‘Yes,’ agreed Mum, she really did have a severe allergy to cats that made it hard for her to breath. ‘I do like cats. But I do get seriously ill if I have to spend a lot of time with one.’
‘So imagine if they were falling from the sky,’ said Tammy.
‘I would have to flee,’ said Mum.
‘You can’t run away from rain,’ said Tammy.
‘Remember that time we did try and run away from the rain,’ said Mum.
‘And Daddy told us off for screaming,’ said Tammy.
‘Poor Daddy,’ said Mum. ‘But the way that curtain of rain sweeping towards us – it was just like in the movies. Obviously we had to run away screaming. We would have had to have no spirit not to.’
‘It would have been a lost opportunity,’ agreed Tammy.
‘I’ve never had anything like that happen to me before or since,’ said Mum. ‘I would have been very cross if I hadn’t used the opportunity for a good dramatic scream and flee.’
‘But the problem with trying to flee from cats and dogs is, the dogs would run after you because they’d think you were playing.’
‘You’d like that,’ said Tammy.
‘Yes,’ agreed Mum. ‘Would I get to keep all these dogs? And have a whole flock of dogs of different shapes and sizes. I could be a crazy old dog lady.’
‘You already are,’ Tammy pointed out.
‘Yes,’ agreed Mum. She and Stanley were quite well known about town. She had trained Stanley to launch himself affectionately at people. When she ordered him to ‘kill attack, go for the jugular’ he would dutifully throw himself on his back at their feet begging to have his tummy scratched. Mum loved the look of horror/fear some people would get on their faces when she did this.
‘But I’ve only got one dog,’ said Mum. ‘I’m only a crazy dog lady at an amateur level. I want to expand. To have lots of dogs.’
‘Like the Queen,’ said Tammy.
‘Yes, she’s got ten corgies,’ sadi Mum. ‘And they bite people and she totally gets away with it because she’s the Queen. She’s living the life. Everyone things the crowns and the palaces are the good part about being royal. But really it’s the dogs, plus being able to fly everywhere with them on your own private jet.’
‘Hey, if it rains cats and dogs and I get to keep three dozen dogs and run away from all the cats…’ said Mum. ‘Can I also have a private jet?’
‘No, it’s not raining private jets,’ said Tammy.
‘But having a private plane would make it easier to outrun the cats,’ said Mum.
‘Alright,’ said Tammy, ‘When it rains cats and dogs you can have a private plane to fly about with all your dogs.’
‘Then the Queen and I could join forces and use our power over dogs to become a crime fighting super hero team,’ said Mum.
‘You don’t have power over dogs,’ said Tammy.
‘Stanley behaves really well when he knows I’ve got treats in my pocket,’ said Mum.
‘The Queen is 94 she’s too old to fight crime,’ said Tammy.
‘She can sit in the private plane while I borrow her corgies and we go about fighting crime and punishing near do wells,’ said Mum.
‘I’m pretty sure that fighting crime is a crime if you’re not a government appointed official,’ said Tammy.
‘I will be beloved by the public for cleaning up the streets,’ said Mum.
‘You’ll be making more mess in the streets with all the dog poop,’ said Tammy.
‘True, there’ll have to be another super crime fighter to fight me,’ said Mum, the twinkle returning to her eye.
Tammy groaned.
‘Their super power could be the power of throwing a tennis ball in the opposite direction to distract the dogs,’ said Mum.
‘It’s never going to work. Super dog lady would be the lamest super hero ever,’ said Tammy.
‘Comparison is the thief of joy,’ said Mum. ‘I don’t have to be the ultimate super hero. So long as I try really hard and do my best.’
‘I think it would be better for everyone if you stayed home with your one dog.’
‘You’re probably right,’ agreed Mum. ‘But as soon as it does start raining cats and dogs, I’ll be ready to step up to the challenge.’
‘Whatever,’ said Tammy.
But Mum had stopped listening again. She was still jealous that Tammy had a much better idea than her, but she was enormously cheered up by her dog filled jet flying future.
The end.
