Bedtime Stories with R.A. Spratt

Nanny Piggins and the Santa Photo

December 08, 2021 R.A. Spratt Season 1 Episode 94
Bedtime Stories with R.A. Spratt
Nanny Piggins and the Santa Photo
Show Notes Transcript

When Mr Green asks Nanny Piggins to take the children to have their photo taken with Santa she is shocked at his unexpectedly festive request. But she is even more shocked when she gets to the shopping centre and sees the expensive prices the elves are charging. Naturally she has to bring down the entire corrupt system.

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Speaker 1:

Hello, and welcome to bedtime stories with me. ARAT well, it's December. So I'm starting in on the festive stories today. I'm gonna do chapter one from NA Piggins guide Christmas, which is the ninth book in the series. And chapter one, the story is called nanny Piggins and the Santa photo here, we Goins. I need you to take the children down to the shopping center to have their photo taken with. Santa said, Mr. Green, it was such an unexpected thing to say, nanny . Piggins almost choked on her chocolate bar. She often served chocolate bars for breakfast on Friday mornings because she was exhausted from cooking chocolate flavored baked goods all the rest of the week. The children just groaned . Did I have an out body experience, ask nanny Piggins or did your father really just ask me to take you to have your fur taken with Santa Claus? No, you didn't have an out body experience at Derek . Well, you may have said Michael, but it wasn't anything to do with what father said. Father sends us to have our photo taken with Santa every year. Explains Samantha really said NA pickins how unexpectedly festive of him it is and said Derek , he only does it for the money. Explain Michael great. Aunt Hilda sends us $10. Each if father posts her a photograph of us with Santa continued, Samantha, what does she send you? If you don't send her a picture of you with Santa ask nanny pickins. She sends us nothing sets Samantha. Oh, so nanny pickins. I thought you were gonna say she sent you $20 instead, but if she sends $10 to each of you, how does that benefit your father? Oh, he waits by the letter box until it arrives tears, open our envelopes and keeps the money for himself. Explained Derek . Good gracious. No explain Manny . Pickins are there no depths to which that man will sink . I'm sitting right here. Protested. Mr. Green. I can hear every word you're saying. I think it's best for you. If I pretend that's not true, said nanny Piggins given the wickedness of your postal theft. You deserve a short, sharp bite on the shins. In fact, you deserve 27 short, sharp bites on the shin. One for every year, you've stolen the Christmas cash from your own children. Where'd you get the number 27 from spotted Mr. Green. He did not want to get bitten at all, but certainly not that many times. Nanny pigs inside the ages of your children. She explained Michael is seven. Samantha is nine and Derek is 11. Add that up and it makes 27, $10 notes you've stolen since they were born. It's only right that they should chip in for their room. And board said , Mr . Green , they've been hiding behind those pesky child label laws for years now. Is that what you spend the money on? Ask nanny pickins on room and board or do you spend it on yourself? I do know such thing. Protested, Mr. Green. Oh, then I know what you do with it said nanny pickins you take their $10 notes down to the bank and put it in your high interest savings account. Don't you ? Because the only thing you love more than money is locking away money to earn even more money. Isn't that right? You know, some people would call that fiscal responsibility argued Mr. Green, people who steal Christmas presents from children should not look to fiscal responsibility to explain away they're depraved behavior, denounce pigs. Are you gonna take them to get their Santa photo taken or not ask Mr. Green? Of course I'll do. It said nanny Piggins. The bakery at the shopping center is far inferior to Han's fine establishment, but they do give away free samples on their countertop. And if I take along my extensive collection of fake mustaches, I should be able to walk past helping my self at least two dozen times before they figure out what I'm up to and chase me off. And so nanny pickins and the children caught the bus down to the shopping center and they took Boris with them. He was very keen to come because he had never had his photo taken with Santa. He had tried one year, but as soon as he hopped up on Santa's lap, an had been rushed away to hospital with a suspected broken knee. Which do you think is my best sight today? Boris asked the children, showing them first his left, then his right profile , um, said Derek not knowing what to say. Boris was a bear covered in brown first . So to Derek's weak humanize looked exactly the same on both sides, but Derek had known Boris long enough to know that such an answer was short and in tears. In fact, almost any answer was short to end in tears. Oh Boris, we hoped you wouldn't ask us . That said, Samantha, you did ask Boris bracing himself, ready to weep. You are so handsome on both sides. It's almost impossible to tell the difference. We have been arguing about that. Very issue all week Derek and Michael actually came to blows about it. Then they looked at you again and both changed their minds and almost came to Blow's arguing the exact opposite thing sets Samantha, Derek and Michael stead at their sister in astonish. She was normally such a good girl to see her fabricate the most spectacular and outrageous lie right before their eyes was a sight to be hold . They turned to Boris to see how he would react. Boris thought about it for a moment, then burst into tears. But it was right because they were tears of joy, a much quieter kind of tears because he was grateful for such an extravagant compliment . So Boris was only sobbing softly as they got off the bus and entered the shopping center. Right? Let's go to the bakery said nanny pickins shouldn't we get our Santa photo taken first, ask Derek why ask nanny pickins as a general rule. She did not believe in delaying eating well. If the bakery has you thrown out by security, we won't be able to get the picture taken said , Derek . Hmm . Grumbled NA Piggins I suppose that is the type of petty thing a substandard baker would do . So they made their way to the central atrium on the ground floor where Santa's grotto was located. Ugh . Complaint. NA Piggins look. There's a huge cue . It's ridiculous. It's Christmas. A lot of people wanna have photos taken with Santa argue , Boris . Yes, but if a speed camera on a highway can have a picture of each PAs in MOS in less than a second argued nanny . Pickins why can't they use the same technology here. It would speed up the process and give people more time to go and get free samples from the bakery. Fortunately, nanny pickins was very good at while . In way time, she took out a jar of cockroaches, which she just happened to have in her handbag and emptied them onto the floor, then took bets on which one would run up Santa's leg and into his gum boot . First Amir half an hour later, after many of the more hygiene minded mothers had whisked their children as far away from nanny pickins as possible. Derek , Samantha and Michael arrived at the front of the queue . They were just about to head for Santa's lap. When a young woman dressed as an elf stood in their way. And which package will you be buying today? Ask the elf. I was thinking of buying a package of fudged from the department store said nanny Piggins. Why do you ask? I don't see that it's any of your business. No, I mean, which package of photographs continue the elf . As she held up a board display a variety of photography pack , you can get the root of package with one eight by 10, 6, 2 by threes, a key ring and a snow dome . The Dasha package with two eight by tens, four fridge, magnets, and a light up picture frame, or the Blitzen package with five eight by tens, seven key rings, three fridge, magnets, and a pack of the feed . I just want one photographs at nanny Piggins or you can only buy individual photographs with a package, said the elf nanny Piggins eyebrows began to lower in suspicion. How much are these packages of which you speak? The Rudolph is $39. The Dasha is $49 and the Blitzen is $69 for an additional $5. You can have 10 calendar bookmarks thrown in with any package. So the elf happily $39 for one photograph that's outrageous declared nanny pig begins . I knew this was gonna be good, said Michael happily, but you don't get just one photograph to the , but I don't want the other rubbish declared nanny pigs. I only want one photograph. You can only buy an individual photograph in combination with a package said the elf wants more. I heard you say that the first time said nanny Piggins you have not seen me get hit in the head in the interim. Have you so I don't see why you would think I had come down with amnesia. These are our prices at the elf have fixed smiles, started to sag at the edges. Nevermind said nanny Piggins . Luckily I have a camera in my handbag. I was planning to take a photograph of the Baker's chocolate clairs so I could show it to Han and we could have a good laugh about it later, but I suppose I shall have to take the photograph myself. You can't do that at the elf and that's not the way it works. You have to buy a package. I have to do. I said nanny , pickins starting to sound menacing. Oh , you gonna, you hadn't said that. Warn Derek nanny Piggins doesn't like being told she has to do something. Explain Samantha. If you aren't gonna buy a package, I'm gonna have to ask you to step out of the line. You're holding everybody up at the elf , starting to sound less festive and more like a school. Prefect . Are you going to make me ask nanny ? Pein start into glow . I bet nanny Piggins is wearing her hot pink wrestling leotard under a dress said Michael happily of course said , Boris . She always does. When she goes anywhere with security guards, those are the rules at the El sternly . I can understand the prisons and places even worse than prisons, such as school rules have rules said nanny , pigs, but are you telling me there are rules in Santas grotto? There certainly are said the impertinent El before turn into the other El operating the camera. Lisa, could you please call security? It must be a very proud day for you as a representative of the El and people. When you have three innocent children thrown out of Santa's grotto and onto the street accused nanny Piggins. I think she's only gonna throw us back onto the shopping center for courts at Derek reasonably, but nanny Piggins was not in the mood to be reasonable. I can see security approaching at the El . Please don't make us scene . You will scare the other children. Children said nanny Piggins turn into the other children in the line. You aren't so weak will that you'll be alarmed by the sight of an exquisitely dressed pig wrestling with a burly security guard. Are you no chorus? The children in the queue , they had all fallen in love with nanny pigs during the long wait , because apart from the CRO races, she had also handed out chocolates and told long and outrageous stories about her days in the circus. I thought so said, nanny , Piggins turning back to the elf. You can't make children stand in a queue for half an hour and expect them to be on your side of the argument. And you Santa nanny , Piggins called over the elf's shoulder, which was not easy as nanny Piggins was only four foot tall. Whereas the elf was five foot 10. You should be ashamed of yourself for gouging children with your excessive photography prices. There was another loud cheer from behind nanny Piggins. But this time from the mothers who were fed up, having to spend such a large portion of their Christmas budget on stilted photographs of their children, struggling to hold back tears. As they endured being in close proximity to a holiday icon, how dare you overcharge for your shotty photography continued nanny Piggins. We all know children don't even like having their photo taken with you because half of them spend the whole time screaming. It's true, said Lisa, the elf who took the photographs, she'd only been in the job for four days, but through the lens, she had watched many terrified children begging to be taken away from the terrifying red suited stranger. She was seriously considering whether $15 an hour was worth witnessing such inhumanity all day long. Sit there in judgment, deciding whether children are naughty or nice accused. NA Piggins will I say that you sir are the not nice one to behave in such an out outrageously capitalist fashion. There was now an even louder cheer and some applause behind NA Piggins. As more shoppers had stopped to watch the spectacle. Ho ho , ho Mary Christmas set , Santa misunderstanding. Why everyone was cheering. Plus Christmas is only seven days away. Don't you have work. You should be doing demanded nanny pickins. How can you justify get in about here? Overcharging children for snapshots while your poor elves back at the north pole slave away, making toys for the 1.7 billion children who live on the planet. What did you say? A Santa ? He was a little hard of hearing, probably because of all the beard hair blocking his ears. Now what's going on here. Then ask the senior security guard. As he arrived at the entrance to the grotto, it's her to collect the El pointing accusingly at nanny Piggins this pig creating a disturbance pig as the security guard, as he made his way through the tightly packed crowd of disaffected photography clients. When he got to the front, he saw nanny Piggins for the first time. Oh, nanny Piggins your back. How are you Steven ? My dear. How lovely to see you darling said nanny Piggins as she held out her trust and allowed him to kiss it. You stayed away too long. So the security guard waggling his finger at nanny Piggins it's months . Since I've had to throw you out, I know agreed nanny Piggins. I would come more often. If your baker would sharpen up his ideas about how to make shoot pastry. So how are we gonna handle this? Ask Steven the security guard. May I escort you to the bus stop? Or do you want to wrestle a bit first? I have to say I'd prefer not to do any wrestling today. I strained my back yesterday, dragging a bear out of the honey aisle of the supermarket nanny Piggins turned on her brother, Boris , you didn't tell me you'd come to the shopping center yesterday. I was a shamed said Boris, about being dragged out of the honey aisle for creating a disturbance. Guess Derek ? No, I forgot to pick up some free samples from the bakery for nanny pickins confess Boris , I forgive. You said nanny pickins kindly as she gave her brother an affectionate hug. I know honey makes you brain Aled . It's the be's fault for making their regurgitation so delicious. All right . Steven said, NA pickins today. I shall agree to be escorted provided. That means I get to write on your electric golf cart. Of course said , Steven , the security guard offering nanny pigs' arm. I may only be security guard at a mall, but I know how to treat a lady. The crowd parted as nanny Pekins was led away, but before she stepped out of the grotto nanny , Piggins turned back to address the elf. And don't think you have a vaed my Roth . I may be making a strategic retreat now for the sake of Steven's bad back , but I fully intend to return and crush your seasonal money. Gouge operation. Are you threatening me? Accused the elf. Yes I am. I'm glad you caught on so quickly said nanny Piggins before leaning around the elf to address Santa as well. And don't think I'm letting you off just because you're old and you give out toys. I busting up this racket of yours and sending you back to the north pole where you can concentrate on making toys and spend in the holiday season with your wife. Like you should the crowd cheered anyone who wants to have a good Santa photo taken announced . Nutty pigs can meet me in the car park at 10:00 AM tomorrow morning. And unlike a so and weak blooded old man, when I say I will be there at 10 o'clock, I will be there at 10 o'clock and there will be no excuses about feeding the reindeer. And so the following morning nanny Piggins set up a photography studio in the car park of the shopping center. Then she had to move it across the street to the vacant lot. When Steven the security guard was sent out to throw her off the property, regardless of the weeds, empty tin cans and general waste strew about nanny PIGN, Santa photography business was soon a roar in success for a start. She was much more photogenic than an elderly overweight man in a Santa suit . She had her suit fitted and tailored by one of the finest fashion designers in Milan. He owed nanny . Pickins a favor after she bit his mother-in-law on the leg for him once and nanny pickins had a much more creative flair for photography than the 23 year old university students. The shopping center had hired cheaply. There's a lot more to photography than knowing how to point and focus a camera. First of all, never underestimate the importance of good luck lighting the bright of the light, the less blotchy or wrinkly people appear as nanny Piggins said. If the queen of England were to have a photo taken standing five meters away from the glare of a supernova , even she would look like the beautiful young woman who first appeared on the back of a coin in 1956. The next most important thing is choosing the right pose when it comes down to it, sitting on someone's lap is a very odd decision. Indeed, encouraging children to sit on a strange man's lap, just because he breaks into their house once a year and gives them presence is a very inappropriate message to Santa children said, nanny Piggins nanny Piggins sent her photos were much more dramatic. Children could choose between wrestling with Santa her personal favorite. She'd had a bright red fur trimmed wrestling leotard made up, especially being attacked by ninjas. While reading your present list to Santa helping Santa deactivate, a nuclear bomb or trying to outrun Santa , as you were attacked by a bear. Boris , all the alternatives were very popular with children. Indeed. Several came back to pose for one of each one, three year old girl enjoyed being attacked by Boris so much. She kept giggling and trying to hug him, which of course he enjoyed tremendously as well. Nanny Pekin soon had a huge line of customer all around the block and not just because they wanted to have their photograph taken. The customers actually enjoyed waiting in line because nanny Piggins provided unlimited cake supplies and hot chocolate. And every 15 minutes she embarrassed would stop taking photos to perform a two minute version of the Nutcracker ballet with added violence. So boys could enjoy two by two o'clock in the afternoon. The general manager of the shopping center had come across the road with the imper elf and Steven the security guard to talk to NA Piggins naturally nanny Piggins made them join the end of the line and pay for a photograph. She only charged $1 per photo. She made no profit, but only needed to cover the price of the cake ingredients, please . Yeah . Have to put a stop to this. Plead the manager as the camera flash went off and he wrestled with nanny Piggins. Normally she just pretended to wrestle with the children, but she was really twisting the manager into a Cobra lock . Why should I ask nanny Piggins yanking his arm around behind his ear and jabbing her Trotter into a painful pressure point. It's not my fault. I'm brilliant at photography and much better at being Santa than Santa himself, but there's nobody in the shopping center said the manager, think of all the shopkeepers who aren't making any money, P scoff nanny Piggins Christmas. Shouldn't be about making money. It should be about overeating and judging people when they give you unpleasant presents such as underwear or books. But if the shopkeepers don't make any money, they won't be able to support their families. Argue the manager pit counted nanny Piggins Marjorie from the sock shop just came over to have her photo taken three times already. Although I think that's mainly because she likes my lemon tarts and everyone from the sports shoe shop came over and had a group photo of me rescuing them from Boris . Please beg the manager. What can I do to persuade you to stop? Luing all our custom is away from the shopping center. If I may sir interrupted Steven , the security guard. Can I negotiate on your behalf? Oh, please do. So the manager NA Piggins you look fabulous today said Steven . He knew how to begin an negotiation. Thank you said nanny Piggins she could not fault him. He was entirely right. Would you please be so kind as to shut down your photography studio, come back to the shopping center and train RLS . How to take spectacular action photos at reasonable prices that everyone can enjoy. Ask Steven , why on earth would I do that? Ask NA Piggins Steven turned to his manager. Do I have your permission to offer her anything he asked? Yes. Yes, of course set the manager D in his brow. Anything to make this end. Steven turned back to nanny Piggins. You can have as many free samples from the free sample box on the bakery counter. As you like, there was silence from the crowd as everyone simultaneously gased then waited to see what nanny Piggins would say. Will I get a little laminate native card to carry in my handbag, certifying this nanny Piggins asked your photograph will be in the corner and the card will be signed by the center manager himself said, Steven , it will ask the center manager. I mean, it will , it will . Can I take my own photograph? Ask nanny Piggins. Yes. Said Steven , then you've got a deal. Explain nanny Piggins hooray cried the crowd who knew they really should be getting back to their Christmas shopping. Oh, thank goodness. At the manager, as he shook NA Piggins hand, I was worried. We'd have to pay you thousands of dollars to make this stop. My dear man said nanny Piggins ruthlessly. If you think thousands of dollars is more than it would cost to buy me an unlimited amount of cake samples, you are about to discover that you are sadly mistaken. And so after consuming an alarming amount of substandard cake nanny , Piggins set to work teaching the LS, how to take real photos. You also gave Santa a short, sharp bite on the shin to punish him for his price gouging . Then to teach him a lesson, made him pay $39 for the honor of having his picture taken with her. I want you to put that on your mantle piece . When you get home, Santa said nanny pig and sternly to remind you that is all very well to sit in judgment over the children of the world, deciding whether they are naughty or nice, but it is important that you should be a good boy too. Yes. NA Piggins said Santa humbly. He did not really understand what had taken place in the previous 24 hours, but just as he knew, when he met Mrs. Claus for the first time Santa realized he had met his match. The end. That's it for now. Thank you for listening until next time. Goodbye.