'The Little Merpig' as told by Nanny Piggins

While waiting in the pharmacy, Nanny Piggins tells the children and Boris the story of her fabulously glamourous great great great great great (times 23 greats) aunt Ariel Piggins - otherwise known as - the Little Merpig.

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Transcript

Hello and welcome to Bedtime Stories with me, R.A. Spratt. Today’s story is… 

‘The Little Merpig’ as told by Nanny Piggins

Here we go...

Nanny Piggins, Boris and the children were waiting in the pharmacy. They had just had their flu shots and now they were not allowed to leave for 15 minutes. The pharmacist had been very strict in these instructions. Nanny Piggins was naturally suspicious.

‘Why can’t we leave?’ she asked, as she sat on the bench glowering at the staff behind the counter.

‘I think it’s in case we have any adverse reactions,’ explained Derrick.

‘What sort of adverse reactions?’ asked Nanny Piggins, this caught her imagination.

‘I don’t know, if we fainted or something,’ said Derrick.

‘Are they worried we are going to collapse foaming at the mouth?’ asked Nanny Piggins, ‘Or transform into hideous vicious werewolves?’

‘I don’t think that is a side effect of the flu vaccine,’ said Samantha.

‘That’s a shame,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘I’ve always thought it would be fun to be a werewolf for a day. I’m sure it’s tiresome if it happens to you every month. But just once it would be fun to roam the streets with huge terrifying teeth and great sharp claws horrifying everybody.’

‘Oh it wouldn’t, Sarah,’ said Boris. ‘Some people are afraid of bears because we are ten feet tall, covered in fur and strong enough to snap their necks like dried twigs. It makes it ever so hard to make new friends.’

‘No one would ever take you for a brutal killing machine, my dear,’ Nanny Piggins assured him, giving his hand a kind squeeze. ‘Not once they’ve seen how good you are at ballet.’

Boris smiled shyly. He knew she was entirely right.

‘Well what are we going to do while we wait?’ asked Nanny Piggins. She had already been banned from trying on all the lipsticks. It put the other customers off to see their favourite shade look better on a pig.

‘Why don’t you tell us a story,’ suggested Michael. 15 minutes seemed liked the perfect length of time for a good story.

‘That’s a good idea. But which one?’ asked Nanny Piggins. ‘I can’t tell you about the time I tight rope walked across the central courtyard of the Pentagon building because I’ve been sworn to secrecy. It’s classified information. If the joint chief of staffs hadn’t fallen head over heels in love with me the moment he saw me, I might have got in a lot of trouble.’

‘It helps that he first saw you from you best angle,’ said Boris.

Michael frowned as he puzzled over what Boris meant.

‘Oh yes,’ agreed Nanny Piggins. ‘It is so important to wear your nicest underwear when tightrope walking.’

‘Why don’t you tell us a story about one of your fabulously glamorous relatives?’ suggested Derrick.

‘That’s a good idea,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘But which one? I can’t tell you about third cousin Glenda. She’s up for parole next month and I don’t want to risk her chances of getting day release. I know I’ll tell you a story about one of my relatives from long ago. Great great great times 22 greats aunt – Ariel Piggins.’

‘Ariel,’ said Samantha. ‘That’s an unusual name.’

‘She was an unusual pig,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘She was in fact a mer-pig.’

‘A merpig?’ asked Derrick. He had pretty much immediately figured out what this must be, but the concept so boggled his mind he had to clarify anyway.

‘Yes, a merpig,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘There is a misapprehension among humans, because you really are a shamelessly egotistical species, that mermaids are mer-people. They’re not, they’re merpigs.’

‘Really?’ said Samantha. ‘So all those stories about sea-farers falling in love with mermaids are actually about merpigs.’

‘Of course,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘Why else do you think they all fell in love so quickly, that they were throwing themselves off their ships out of pure uncontrollable love. Think about it – if they were that staggering beautiful they had to be pigs.’

This idea also confused the children. But they had seen grown men fall hopelessly in love with their nanny at first sight so many times they supposed it must be possible.

‘It’s quite a famous story the adventures of my aunt,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘You may have heard the Danish folk tale of – the Little Merpig.’

‘I think we’ve heard a different version,’ said Derrick.

‘We know the story of ‘The Little Mermaid’,’ said Michael.

‘That story is a load of old bunkham,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘The true history of it as it happened to my aunt is much better.’

‘So what happened?’ asked Michael.

It was a lovely day out in the ocean off the coast of Denmark. My dear aunt was swimming about having a lovely time, frolicking with some dolphins. 

They were doing that thing where they catch a wave, then turn around suddenly and swim up the face of the wav so they shoot up in the air. 

Ariel was a Piggins, so naturally she was showing off and throwing in a triple somersault, as she spun head over trotters through the sky. 

Just  then she spotted something.’

‘It wasn’t a bee was it,’ said Boris. ‘I can hate it when I spot one. They’re tiny but they’re terribly frightening.’

‘No,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘She saw a ship. And on the deck of the ship was a royal prince, sitting down to eat a stupendous banquet. As soon as she catch one glimpse – it was as if she had been struck through the brain by cupids arrow.

‘Don’t you mean through the heart?’ asked Samantha.

‘Don’t they teach you anything about biology at school?’ demanded Nanny Piggins. ‘The heart just pumps blood. It’s the brain that loses it’s mind and makes you do crazy things for love.’

And that’s what happened. At that moment every cell in Arie’s body was instantly lost in complete true love.’

‘Wow,’ said Samantha.

‘Yes,’ agreed Nanny Piggins. ‘Although it was problematic at the time. When you’re upside down spinning through the air is not the best time to fall totally absolutely mind shatteringly in love. 

The first thing that happened was that she plunged head first into sea and bonked her head on a dolphin. But when she emerged and popped her head against water she checked to see if what she had seen was true. And it was.

‘And the prince was really handsome?’ guessed Samantha

‘I suppose he may have been,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘By human standards. But she barely noticed him. She had fallen head over heels in love with the cake he was eating.’

‘A piece of cake?’ asked Derrick.

‘It was gorgeous,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘It was a lemon drizzle cake with poppy seeds, lemon drizzle soaked the sponge and a hard lemon icing over the top giving it a delight crunch to contrast with the sticky sour sweetness below.’ Gosh it’s no wonder she fell in love. I can feel myself going week in the knees just thinking about it.’

But of course the problem was she was a merpig. She didn’t have knees to go weak. She didn’t even have legs or trotters. She just had one giant fish tail. She couldn’t go walking up on the ship’s deck like that. 

So naturally, since this was the olden story days, she had to find a mer-witch and strike a criminally insane bargain where she sacrificed her power of speech in exchange for legs and the ability to walk. 

The deal was that - if she couldn’t get the prince to marry her - she would be cursed to live like that for eternity! Or until she dropped dead of boredom, whichever came first.

Love really does turn the most intelligent pig into a terrible negotiator.

So Ariel drank the crazy potion the merwitch gave her and KAPOW – she had legs. 

She swam over to the ship, which took longer than it used to. All her dolphin friends were laughing at her having to swim freestyle. She was glad she had bonked that one dolphin on the head now. 

She clambered up on the deck and she was spellbound by the sight.

‘The handsome prince?’ asked Samantha.

‘Yes, he was there I suppose,’ agreed Nanny Piggins. ‘But her eyes immediately fell on the cake he was eating. She lunged forward. But she’d only had legs for half an hour, so she wasn’t much chop at walking yet. She fell flat on her face. 

The Prince was a well meaning chap. They always emphasise manners at prince school. He rushed forward to help her.  He grabbed her fore-trotter and helped her to her feet. 

She was only a diminutive pig, or ‘little’ as the storytellers so inelegantly say. So she had to look up to thank him. And as soon as their eyes locked - he too was hopelessly in love. 

‘With the cake?’ asked Michael.

‘No, with cousin Ariel,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘Do pay attention.’

‘This story is a little confusing Sarah,’ said Boris. ‘I feel like I should be taking notes on my hand. And my hand is covered in fur so it is never much help when I do that. I can’t read anything and it ruins the pen.’

‘It was a classic love triangle,’ lamented Nanny Piggins. ‘Boy loves girl, girl loves cake, cake is an inanimate object that doesn’t care about anybody.’

‘So they were doomed to unhappiness?’ asked Samantha.

‘No, as it happens they weren’t,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘Because as you know, humans are a weak species. And one of the side affects of falling in love for humans is loss of appetite. Which was lucky because as soon as Ariel figured out how to use her legs, she staggered over to the table and gobbled up his cake. So the prince didn’t get any.

Now of course she couldn’t speak because of the wretchedly ridiculous curse the mer-witch had put on her,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘People had to endure the more ridiculous plot twists back in the olden story days.’

‘But the prince was pretty bright for a prince,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘So even though Ariel couldn’t explain herself with words, he quickly figured out that the way to her heart was with cake. As you know, weddings traditionally have very large cakes, so it was pretty easy to convince this mute, semiaquatic pig to be his wife.

And as soon as they were married she got her power of speech back. And he was doubly happy because he didn’t just have a wife who was staggeringly beautiful and could eat cake at a rate that was astonishing to watch, she could also tell him fabulous stories about her underwater life. So he was undoubtably the luckiest man alive. And that is why from that day to this, all the royal princesses of Denmark have been incredibly good at swimming.

‘Are the royal princesses of Denmark incredibly good at swimming?’ asked Michael.

‘I assume so,’ said Nnany Piggins. ‘How else are they going to find husbands. The end. Time for bed.’

‘It’s 10 o’clock in the morning and we’re sitting in a pharmacy,’ Derrick pointed out.

‘Oh yes, so we are,’ said Nanny Piggins looking about. ‘Our fifteen minutes must be up by now. Let’s run down the road to Hans bakery for elevensies.’

‘It isn’t eleven o’clock for another hour,’ said Samantha.

‘I know,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘We’ll get a nice big head start. Come on!’ she called out as she had already started sprinting for the doorway of the store. ‘Last one there is a brussel sprout.’

The end.

Thank you for listening. To support this podcast just buy a book by me, R.A. Spratt. There are plenty to choose from across the Nanny Piggins, Friday Barnes and Peski Kids series. And now, my new book ‘Shockingly Good Stories’ which is based on the stories from this podcast is available for pre-order. It will be released on July 2nd 2021. You can order any of these books through your local bookstore or go to my website raspratt.com and click on the Book Depository banner. They have all my titles and free international shipping.

That’s if for now. Until next time. Goodbye.